Sex

Mr. Big promised that he would be open and honest with me throughout this process...and he asked the same of me.

He said he doesn't want to be the man he use to be and that he doesn't want to do something physical just because.  He's terrified of going back to his old self.

But my problem is, in a normal situation, if we felt like being intimate, we would be.  If we felt like sitting on a couch and watching tv, we would.  If we felt like going for a walk or talking on the phone, we would.

So am I being shafted and am I losing out on what should be a normal "dating" experience?

I know the sex is already there.  So is it worth it to be patient and let things fall into place or do I push for the physical because I'm horny?

Swirling

And obviously he and I have no clue what's going to happen here.  I told him, I am completely open to whatever because neither of us have any idea what the world has in store for us.

I could walk outside and get hit by a bus for christsake.  Or Jesus H Christ as Mr. Big would say!

I see this going one of three ways.  Mr. Big and I become friends, we become even greater lovers and have a fantastic relationship or our road ends.  And I told him, I am okay with any of those scenarios if we take the time to figure this out.  I can't predict the future and neither can he.

But the question still swirling in my head is, does this make me a bad person if I stay and do this? 

Who Deserves What?

And what bothers me about this idea that he and I can hang out and figure things out and begin to work on what we need to work on is that, he is still married.

I told him, I believe in karma, 100%.  And what kind of person am I being if I sit back and allow this to happen?  Am I being a disgusting, selfish person if I stay and work through this with you?  Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

As guilty as Abbi is and as terrible of a person as she is, she doesn't deserve this.  No one does.  Shouldn't he be honest with her and at the very least tell her what he and I are doing? 

Feeling Cheated

I told him, when you and I were supposed to be hanging out and getting to know each other and having fun together, you were completely caught up and being taken down by your addictions.  And because that was consuming your life, we never took the time to really figure out what the heck is here.

Obviously, there is an incredibly intense, emotional sex life, but in any normal situation, two people who are attracted to each other hang out, see what they have in common and see what happens.

But we had a physical relationship and that was it.  And I'm angry with myself because I don't let people walk all over me and I stick up for myself.  But for all these years, I was so afraid of pushing his buttons in the wrong way and I was so scared of losing him, that I became this meek, timid person who let herself become completely miserable because of this man.

Feelings

When we got back to the hotel, we were making plans to go to dinner, and I started to break down.

He said he knew something was wrong and that I wasn't acting like myself.  But he didn't want to bring it up in public and made me sit down and talk to him.

I started the conversation by telling him that I feel cheated.  Throughout the past week, he's been asking me to pinpoint my feelings and aside from anger, hurt, sadness, I'd been having a hard time identifying a good way to describe the way I feel...and finally I came to the conclusion that cheated is the absolute best way to describe it.

Nerves

Things started off a little rocky.  Nervous small talk...and then we actually went and played mini-golf.  Kind of strange, but I think necessary.  We needed to break the ice and we both needed to calm down.

He looked amazing.  Honestly, it doesn't seem fair that I can hate someone so much, love them so much and be attracted to them in such an intense way all at the same time. 

Mini golf was fun.  He kicked my butt.  I am not much of a golfer...although I did have a hole in one!!

Our Meeting

So I did meet Mr. Big.  The night was interesting.

I'm not going to lie...I was scared to death.  As I was going to meet him, I was shaking, nauseous, trying not to break down.

I wanted to be strong.  I wanted to have a civil conversation with him and talk to him about what needed to be talked about and come to a conclusion at the end of it all.

I actually brought my fur coat that he fantasizes about so often.  Maybe to be a jerk, maybe to lighten the mood, I'm not sure.  But he did laugh.

Another Bomb

And I also told him this...

"You don’t get it. 

I LOVE YOU.  Don’t you f*cking get that?  You are someone that I want to be with.  Someone that I care about more than anything."

And after I saw his reaction to that, I was dumbfounded...DUH.  Why else would I have stayed for all these years, putting up with your bullshit?  Because I think this is fun?

Another Email

So I'm not completely sure if this is relevant at all, but I wanted to share an email I sent him when he told me he was going to be a father...

"You want to hear my opinion…HERE WE GO.

I’m glad that ugly manipulative golddigging c*nt finally got what she wanted.

NO WOMAN that ever TRULY cares about someone takes them at their LOWEST point in life and manipulates them and forces them and tricks them into MARRYING them a couple MONTHS after knowing them.  She has been LOOKING FOR A PAYDAY from day one and you f*cking gave it to her.

I have been a GOOD PERSON to you for TWELVE YEARS and have done NOTHING BUT CARE about you and treat you with kindness and respect and have LOVED YOU.  I LOVED YOU.  I wanted YOU to be a part of MY LIFE.

I have FORGIVEN EVERYTHING you've EVER done.

This is a f*cking joke." 

Telling Abbi

A friend of mine wants to tell his wife, Abbi, about what's been really going on between the two of us.  She thinks it's necessary at this point.

And the truth is, part of me really wants her to.  I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  And if someone else sticks up for me, does that make me a bad person?

I believe in karma and I don't want to intentionally hurt someone that I don't know, but I honestly believe she should know about what he's doing.

And clearly he is never going to be honest with her and tell her the truth.

So what am I supposed to do?

Another Visit

Mr. Big is coming into town today...he wants to sit down and talk to show me that he's serious about "fixing" this and that he's sincere when he says he cares about me and wants me in his life.

The truth is, I feel cheated.  I feel cheated because we've been on and off for many years but never had a chance to explore our true feelings for each other because of his addictions, arrests, problems...

And even yesterday, he admitted again that he does have feelings for me, so how am I supposed to just walk away from the one man who I truly click with?  

Fixing This

He told me he wants me in his life and he asked me to stay.  He told me he wants to work on everything and fix this.

And while the logical side of my brain KNOWS he's so full of shit and he's just trying to save face, my heart...my heart desperately wants it to be true.

Stay or Go

I told Mr. Big that I'm in love with him.  In the middle of our argument, it came out.

And the truth is, I do.  The only reason I stayed in this man's life is because I love him.

As AWFUL as he is and in spite of all of the terrible things he's done, I love him.

And how do I just walk away from that?  When you love someone, don't you stand by them through thick and thin?  Do you bail because times are tough?

He DESTROYED me.  I am at my lowest point because of this man.

But yet, I'm debating whether or not I can stay in his life.

My Turn

I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now.  I am walking around numb.

One minute I want to show up at his door and tell everyone in his life exactly who he is and the next I feel bad for him.  I pity him.

This bitch has him by the balls for 18 years now.

And I'm sitting here wondering, how is it that people like Abbi, who manipulate and lie and cheat and force people into doing things they don't want manage to get exactly what they want in life with no consequences and people like me, who genuninely care about people and have been nothing but good to Mr. Big for all these years, how is it that I get completely fucked over?

When is it my turn for something good to happen to me?  When is it my turn?

Payday

Honestly, I can't even begin to wrap my head around how I feel right now. 

The hurt, the pain, the anger.  There aren't words.

And I know it takes two, but she is a golddigging c*nt who has been looking to get pregnant from day one so she can get a bigger paycheck.

I KNOW in my heart that this is it.  And I know that I will never be able to trust him again.  But why am I SO angry at her and why do I want to hurt her more than anything right now?

Please Disappear Abbi W Y

I find it funny that I have so much anger and hatred towards someone I've never met.

But I don't understand how girls like her, who go through life, manipulating and taking advantage of people get what they want.

And I know that eventually her life of complete bullshit will come crashing down, but what infuriates me is that she's still going to walk away with a piece of Mr. Big.

How is that fair?  

Moving Forward

We also talked about how to move forward.  Because at the end of the day, moving forward is the thing that NEEDS to happen here.  I can't allow myself to continue down this path because I will never heal.  And I deserve so much more than this.

While we were talking about this concept of moving forward, I asked him, when you look at all of your male friends who are in happy, healthy, strong marriages, they don't have a me in their life.  So how do you justify all of this?  You are being unfaithful to your wife by keeping me in your life.

And his response was, we (as in he and I) owe this to each other to figure this out.  We obviously have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day but we do have to confront this to see what truly exists.

Meltdown

I lost my mind and had a complete meltdown.

My initial reaction was "awesome.  I can't wait to tell your wife what kind of guy you are".

And then I went nuts.  I told him everything I have been holding in and let him have it.

I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time I was that angry.  I called her every single name I have ever wanted to call her, and what's funny, is that not once did he stop me and tell me to stop talking about his pregnant wife that way.  

Pregnant

So I found out that Mr. Big's bitch wife is pregnant today.  I confronted him and told him how upset I was and unhappy I am about the way things were going.

And of course, his reaction was to get angry with me and yell and scream at me.

And during our conversation today, he asked me if I "wanted to know what was going on in his life".  And my reaction was, yes, knowing full well he was about to drop a bomb...and his response was "I'm going to be a father".

Push

The harder I push, the more he pulls.  And I get it.  I'm not an idiot.  If I stop pushing, he'll stop pulling.

But when you're scared for someone and you want to fix things and you want to make everything better, how do you just walk away?

Scared

I feel him pulling away right now.  And it's scaring the hell out of me.

For years now, whenever we've had a good day, whenever we start to get closer, whenever things start to calm down and go in a positive direction, he freaks out and get scared.  And pulls away.

And I confront him and try to figure out why.  I try to get to the bottom of it and he pulls away more. 

It's been days since I've spoken to him and this doesn't happen.  I'm freaking out because I know what he's capable of doing to himself.  And while I have confidence that he's not off doing drugs or something stupid, the fact that it's been days is making me very scared. 

What is he so scared of?  Why won't he let this be something amazing?

Happiness

I know I deserve happiness and I know I deserve the absolute best.  But when you meet someone that you connect with on that level and the person that is hurting you the most is the one who also makes you the happiest, how do you just give up?

How do you throw away years and years and years and start over?

Patience

And the truth is, I'm scared.  I'm terrified of walking away.

He's not a bad guy.  And I know, I KNOW, he seems like he is one of the worst.  But I know, deep down, he's not.  He's got himself into some really bad things and his life spiraled.  And now he's just trying to fix things and make things right and show his family and close friends that he's changing. 

But how long am I supposed to wait?  He keeps asking me to be patient.  He keeps asking me to give him some time and to be patient.

But after all these years, how do I continue to be patient?  

Walk Away

I think about what I would say to friends if they were in this situation and I would tell them to run as fast as they can.

But it's so different when it's your heart and your emotions.

People like myself and Mr. Big don't stick around for the hell of it.  Not after all these years.  It's not like we met in a bar a few months ago...we're talking double digit years here.

Aside from our family and close friends, we have been the constant in each other's lives. 

How do you walk away from that?  How do you just give up?

Waste of Time

It's so easy for most people...they meet, fall in love, get married and for the lucky ones, live happily ever after.

Where is my happily ever after?  I know that Mr. Big is fully capable of being everything I need and want in a man.  But yet, day after day, year after year, he falters.

Am I wasting my time? 

I'm terrified of walking away, but yet, how much longer can I continue to do this to myself if I stay?

What if time isn't on my side anymore? 

Am I being irresponsible?

Hurdles

I love this man.  And I know everyone thinks I'm crazy and should just say fuck it and walk away, but what people don't realize is how amazing he really is.

Do you have someone in your life that can make you laugh about anything and makes you feel so good about yourself?

He is that person for me.  The chemistry and the connection we share is undeniable and I know that's why he's still here.

But yet, I'm afraid that the hurdles are too high and we're never going to be able to jump over them.

Realization

One thing I did realize during our argument was that he associates me with the bad things in his past.

I was the one who was there when he hit rock bottom and the entire time he was getting to rock bottom.  And while I in no way, shape or form contributed to his drug addiction, alcohol addiction, etc, I was the one that was there the entire time.

And that scares me.  I thought I was a good person in his life and I thought I was doing the right things and trying to help but I'm not sure if he sees it that way.

I'm afraid that he will always see me as the girl that was a part of his life during the reckless times and never truly realize how much I care about him and how desperately I want this to be something amazing and wonderful.

Fed Up

Mr. Big and I got into a little bit of an argument today.  And I'll admit that our arguments have progressed from knock down, drag out fights where we go straight for the jugular to actual conversations.  Sometimes they get a little heated, but they are actual conversations.  We both make points, discuss them, and come to a conclusion.  So there is progress.

One of the things he said to me was that I make him "stressed, anxious, paranoid, angry -

things never even have a chance to settle - because we engage in sh^t like this."

By shit like this, he means, arguments.  I'm at my wits end because I am so ready for something good to happen and for this stupidity to be over.  And he constantly tells me not to hold things in until they explode and to talk to him...but yet, when I talk to him and tell him what's going on and how I'm feeling, this is the response I get.

It's a joke

And I get it...he has to come to the conclusion on his own...which he already has.

He openly admitted that his marriage is a scam or a sham...I can't remember which word he used.

But WHY is the golddigging cunt still around?  Your marriage is a joke.  WHY are you still doing this?

Someone please explain things to me because I do not understand.