Real Text

So I thought I'd share some quotes from Mr. Big in anticipation of his last visit.  Get an understanding of what a truly dedicated husband he is...

"yeah. . .well what I ate at lunch in cambridge was different": Referring to the lunch dates we use to have.  We'd meet up and screw each other silly for an hour several times a week.

"i am picturing you streaking across your apartment naked when I walk in! white and brown flash"

"yours though would start with you cooking in an apron and high heels and nothing else !! LOL"

I asked if he was giving me suggestions...

"No not a suggestion as nice as a view as that would be.  Nicer than the hotel time when I walked in and u had on the losing bet outfit.  U saw how that ended lol"

The losing bet outfit was a pair of stilettos, thigh highs and button down.

Now tell me, is this really someone who is dedicated to his marriage and cares about his wife?

I don't get it...but yet I'm the bad guy for suggesting that his marriage is a joke.

:)

What's a girl gotta do?

Does anyone have some cute single male friends they can send my way!! 

UGH

God, I sound like such a whiny little bitch.  I look at some of these posts and it makes me sick.

He was the biggest asshole on the planet and he destroyed me.  So WHY am I still here?

Why do I not just say fuck him and walk away?

It pisses me off that I am sitting here, wondering and trying to figure out why he did these things.

At the end of the day, I am strong enough to get through this and I deserve someone in my life who loves me and isn't afraid to divorce his ugly, cheating gold digging whore of a wife for fear of what his family and friends would think.

Decisions

And again, I have to keep reminding myself that he didn't DO this to ME.  At least not on purpose.

He was in a very dark place.  He hit rock bottom.  And the decisions he made at rock bottom were bad ones.

But now, as he's coming out of all of this and getting his life back on track, WHY is he still making decisions that are hurting me and directly affecting my life.

I'm trying to date.  I'm trying to meet new people.  I'm trying to be a single woman.  But my heart isn't there.  My heart belongs to him and I don't know how to take it back.

I don't want to take it back.  I just want to be normal.  And I want him in my life.

A Lifetime

It's so frustrating because I found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  And I know how much he cares about me and wants me in his life.

 But WHY does it have to be so complicated?  Why did he do this to me?

Sweet Kisses

I drove him to the airport later that evening so he could catch his flight. 

At the airport, I stepped out of my car and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big hug.  And then I looked up and he leaned down and kissed me.

And as much as I love his kisses, I turned away.  But then he grabbed me and pulled me back into his embrace and kissed me on the top of my head. 

Which to me, is the ultimate sign of someone caring about you.  I love kisses on the top of the head, forehead, nose.  The little places that show affection. 

And I keep telling myself that it means nothing because I can't focus on that right now...but I'm not crazy, right?

Temptation

So when he was here, we were very playful.  I realized just how much and why I care about him. 

He makes me laugh, for hours on end.  The chemistry is undeniable and it's obvious. 

He did get little um, excited, which for him is very hard to hide.  He has a gift and it's a very large one. 

I behaved myself.  Wore a cute little shirt from his alma mater and a pair of ripped jeans.  No bra of course.  It was chilly and he loves my breasts! 

We touched a lot and goofed around but I'm so cautious about being physical with him.  I'm not a home wrecking whore.  And I suppose I could justify that by saying that the home is and has always been wrecked, but nonetheless, he isn't divorced yet.  And I think he should take some responsibility.  Shouldn't he make the ultimate move?

Why should I be the temptress and risk ticking him off and him blaming it on me?  Shouldn't he be the first to break?

What is cheating?

But how can it be worth it to stay with someone you aren't in love with and don't care about?

I know I said this before, but regardless of whether or not he and I are sleeping together, he's still cheating.

I think most women would agree that an emotional relationship is just as much cheating and probably a worse form of cheating than a physical relationship is.

Do men not understand that?

The amount of time and effort and the emotions that he puts into communicating with me on a daily basis is a lot.  And while I admit, I don't give him that much credit for it, we're very involved in each other's lives, from a distance.

And I can't stand it anymore.  If I push him, he gets angry because he's not ready, but what he doesn't understand is that he is on the verge of losing me because I have no desire to be this person anymore.  I can't stand being on the outside.  And while he swears that I'm not, the fact that he is still doing what he's doing shows me that I am nothing more than an outsider.

The Visit

So while Mr. Big was at my house, things were, interesting.

While he was on his way here from the airport, he was sending me messages suggesting things he'd like me to be wearing, or not wearing.  The innuendo's were flying and he seemed like his old self.

At one point, before he walked through my door, I asked if he was giving me suggestions or simply trying to be funny and he swore up and down that they weren't suggestions, b/c after all, he is "married".  But I would bet a lot of money that if I had gone through with any of the things he said, he wouldn't have been upset.

So again, my one any only question is WHY stay in a ridiculous fucking marriage that is BAD and TOXIC?  What is he doing?  And WHAT am I doing?

Clearly, he doesn't want to be married and doesn't care about his marriage.

Siting

So I saw Mr. Big the other day.  He came to my home and we had a really great day.  At least I think so.

It's strange, because he looked terrible.  You can see the stress he's carrying and he's lost a ton of weight and it's scary.  I wanted to confront him and I wanted to shake him and tell him what he's doing isn't necessary but I'm still not convinced it's my place.

I'm scared for him.  He works, non stop.  He's traveling every single week.  And I get it.  I wouldn't want to be home and he's trying to avoid the mess he created while still looking like a good guy. 

But at what point is it enough?

Sharing

When we talk about the future, Mr. Big tells me that he wants the two of us to grow close.  That he wants to be able to share everything with me and that he wants us to trust each other.

And while all of that sounds great, isn't that why you marry someone?  So your partner can be your best friend, the person you share everything with and do things with? 

So if he wants that to be our relationship, what is his relationship with his wife? 

This is what I don't understand...and maybe these are just more lines of crap he's throwing my way.  Who knows. 

But honestly, isn't the point of marriage to trust and to share and to have fun and to grow old?  Companionship, friendship, love?  Isn't that marriage?

So if he's being honest and those are the things he wants with me, what is the point of being married?

Motives

Sometimes I wonder what my real motive is in all of this.  Is this therapy for me?  Am I trying to hurt him?  Am I trying to tell the truth without directly having to confront him and be the bad guy?

Sometimes I feel guilty.  Like airing our business is vindictive and hurtful, but then I think, I have every right to sort through my thoughts and feelings and maybe someone out there can give me some good, non-judgemental advice.

Am I a bitch playing the role of the victim?

Feelings

Is it possible, that after all these years and everything that has gone down between Mr. Big and I, that he might not have feelings for me?

He admitted that he does and during our most recent round of arguments, has taken that back.  And while to some extent, I think I can understand why, after all, he IS technically "married", albeit, to a golddigging bitch who doesn't care about him, and if he continued to admit his feelings it would cause more of a problem for him, but is it possible that someone could be that heartless and that awful of a person that they spent years and years and years with someone and not care about them and not have feeling for them?

Seriously, is it humanly possible, for someone who says he's a good guy and that he cares about me and wants me in his life and was terrified of losing me and was "protecting" me this entire time to not have feelings for me? 

Could he really be a heartless bastard?

Waiting

At this point right now, I waiver, every single day. 

One day I want to destroy him, call Abbi on the phone and tell her the truth, one day I want to wrap him in my arms and promise him that everything will get better and the next day I want to lay in bed and cry because of the hurt and pain that I am still feeling.

I KNOW that things can get better, but I'm frustrated because I don't have the patience to sit around any longer.  I am not getting any younger and I want someone in my life who genuninely cares about me and loves me and is happy and excited that I am a part of his life.

And I'm afraid that if I stay, I will continue to waste year after year after year of my life waiting for Mr. Big to get to that point.

Different

And I know that I am guilty in all of this too.  I have done my fair share of stupid things throughout the years and I haven't always been honest with him.  I was with other guys and I lied and I've said plenty of hurtful things.

But I think that's life.  I think we all have hurt the people we love and have made our fair share of mistakes and have caused our fair share of pain.

But that's life.  The people who care about us and love us and want us in their lives will be here, through thick and thin...

So WHY can't I believe that he cares about me and WHY can't I trust that he has my best interest at heart? 

Regardless of what's happened in the past, he's here now...so WHY can't I relax and chill out and open myself up to the fact that maybe things can be different?

What about me?

The drug abuse and the lying and cheating and stealing went on for many many years. 

And through it all, I stood by Mr. Big.  I took every single punch he threw at me.  I was a rock...albeit, a crumbling rock, but I was a rock and an amazing person to him.

And today, as I sit here and reflect on all of this, I wonder, how can he still be making the choices he's making?

Yes, I understand, that he doesn't want to be a "bad" guy anymore and he made a bed and now he feels he has to lie in it, but what about me? 

I am at the point where, for my own sanity, I NEED to walk away. 

But I truly love this person. 

Life Changes

For the first year and a half to two years, things were great between Mr. Big and I.  We were just living.  He was smitten, I was smitten and I knew I met the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

And then the drugs started.  His attitude and his mood started to change.  Gradually at first, and then blink...another couple years in and BAM, I was in the middle of something that I simply couldn't dig myself out of.

I constantly thought and still think about that man I fell in love with.  How he use to make me feel.  How happy he use to make me.  How amazing he is.

And I always asked, where did he go and why isn't he a part of my life anymore?

I care about this person so much and I know what a tremendous person he is and I couldn't walk away.  The entire time this was going on, I KNEW, something was wrong and I KNEW he was doing something, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I couldn't figure it out.

And as miserable as he made/makes me, I knew he needed/needs someone strong and good in his life. 

I couldn't walk away from someone who I loved this much. 

Moving

I decided I wanted a change in my life and made a fairly significant move and ended up in the same place as Mr. Big. 

We immediately picked up where we left off that previous summer.  It started off as a physical relationship.  I was young, in a brand new city, looking to have a blast.  He, similar to now, was in a bad relationship, afraid to walk away and get out.  And maybe the red flags should have started waving then, but I didn't care.  My life was beginning and I was having fun and I was young and carefree.

Our sex life was unbelievable.  Have you ever had a physical connection with someone where you can never get enough?  We had and will always have the same insatiable appetite for each other.  We tried anything and everything we ever wanted and were never afraid to suggest or try something new.

He said to me a few months ago, that in marriage, sex is always the first thing to go and that you can't sustain a relationship on good sex, and my response was, has it died between the two of us yet?  To this day, it's just as exciting and new and unbelievable as it's always been.

The Beginning

I suppose I should give a little bit of background as to who Mr. Big and I am.

We met years and years ago, I was a college student, he had just graduated college.  We met over the summer, playful flirtation.  The attraction was instant.  He made me laugh.  About the dumbest things...we'd sit and talk for hours over that summer and exchange stories and just laugh.  I'd never met anyone like him before and I'd never fallen so quickly and so hard for someone. 

The chemistry we share and the connection we have erupted that summer and while neither of us had any idea where life was going to take us, I'm sure neither of us anticipated it ending up where it is.

Time

I'm ready to jump.  Dive in head first and go.  I don't want to hold back anymore.  I'm sick of holding back my feelings and pushing things aside because he's not quite ready to face them.

We live in two separate states.  Being apart makes things very difficult because in a normal situation, we can sit down and talk to each other and communicate like normal adults.  He also travels, pretty much every week, for work...which makes this challenge even larger.

Our communication consists of emails, instant message, video chats and when he has "time", face to face.

That right now, for me, is the biggest problem.  I'm asking, begging him, to make time.  I know that the only way this will begin to change and the only way this will get better is if we make the time to spend together and to truly work on things.

He says that I ask too much of him right now.  That he needs to be selfish and concentrate on him and that time isn't something he has. 

And if time is what I need, how can there be a resolution?

Space

Our arguments over the past few days have been about time.  I think that if we push forward and start spending time together, things will naturally fall into place.  The trust, the forgiveness, the playfullness that we once had.  My opinion is that life will take over and whatever is meant to happen, will happen.

He thinks there needs to be a process.  He keeps asking me for some space.  Space, that frankly, I'm terrified to give.  Since the drug abuse began, I have been terrified that I will wake up one day and he won't be there.  When he gets angry, he use to threaten that he will walk away and never return.  For years, I have been living in fear that he will disappear from my life, no explanation, no good bye.  

During our arguments, he constantly brings up the fact that if he didn't care and if he didn't want me in his life and if he were going to leave, why is he spending all of his energy arguing with me about these things...and while I see his point, letting go and trusting that he does truly care is the hardest thing to do.

After all, if he truly cares about me, why is he doing this to me and why did he do this to me?

Forgiveness

Mr. Big and I are, once again, at each other's throats.  I wonder, how can such intense and great chemistry turn into something so bad and so ugly?

Granted, the past has everything to do with the current situation and the choices he's making have everything to do with the current situation. 

I keep asking myself, do I forget the past and push it aside, forgive and forget, or do I continue to dwell on it?  Thinking about it, questioning it, crying over it and letting it consume my life?

How does one forget...and forgive someone they truly love even though that person destroyed their heart? 

Chemistry...fact or fiction

Contrary to what some may believe, I am trying to put myself out there and meet new people.

I went on a date with a very nice guy the other day, but unfortunately, there was no chemistry, no spark.

And while a lot of my friends tell me that chemistry and spark aren't necessary, I respectfully disagree.  I think it's completely necessary.  I want butterflies and I want passion.  I want to be over the top happy and be so excited to have that person in my life.

Mr. Big made me feel that way.  Obviously not lately, and for years we fought more than we ever got along, but the chemistry and that spark is still there.  After all these years, it's still there.

And how do I just pretend that doesn't exist?

Friendship

Is it possible to be someone's friend when they've hurt you this much?  Is it possible to push all of my anger, my fears, my hurt aside because in the grand scheme of things, Mr. Big's healing and Mr. Big's recovery are more important?

Does he know how much it hurts me to know that every single day, when we say good-bye or good-night, I cry when I think about him going to his house and that gold digging whore is there, waiting for him?  That the thought of her makes me violent with rage and that I want to hurt her. 

Does he have any idea how much he truly hurt me? 

Can I push this aside for him?  Because I know that he needs friends and he needs support and he needs good people in his life right now?

Our relationship

Mr. Big and I talk, every single day.  We talk about everything and have decided for the time being that we are going to take some time and try to get to know one another.

The chemistry we share and the physical attraction we share is like nothing I've ever experienced before. 

When we are in public, people comment on how great we are together.  A bartendar once asked us if she could hang out with us because we were having "so much fun and are such a great couple". 9 times out of 10, people make comments and the energy and the connection we share is undeniable. 

Unfortunately, at this point, there is not a shred of trust left.  He's admitted that he has feelings for me, cares about me and wants me in his life. 

But how can I stay in his life if he's unwilling to divorce someone who did him so wrong and doesn't have his best interest at heart, all so he can repair an image?

I know I'm worth so much more than this, but how do you just walk away from that type of connection with someone? 

I'm afraid I'm never going to find someone who I can connect with on that level ever again.

The truth is

When everything came out, he told his friends and family about me.  But told them that we were friends who "hooked up" a couple times throughout the year or so he was "married".  And that, is a bold faced lie.

We have been in a physical relationship for many, many years, and he was cheating on Ms. Abbi from the second he met her.  And has continued to cheat on her long after they "reconciled".

For years, I was an unknowing mistress, but now I'm a knowing mistress. 

Does that make me a terrible person?  Should I be on her side and tell her the truth?  Because in my opinion, she's just as guilty and has no business being in his life. 

To tell or not to tell

So do I confront Mr. Big about the photograph or do I leave it in the past?

My fear is that I become the psycho who's digging for information about him online and he someone flips things around on me and turns me into the bad guy.

Or do I face the situation head on and admit that I've seen the pictures from the gym and ask him why he lied and is continuing to lie to not only me, but I'm sure everyone else in his life?

Why should he get to look like the great guy who's working so hard to change his life when the reality is, even though the drugs, alcohol and stealing are gone, he's still as shady and as big of a liar as he's always been?

Selfishly, what about me?  I've been a good person to him for many many years.  I have stood by him, supported him and cared about him, through thick and thin and have taken every punch he's ever thrown my way and am still here, being a good person to him.  So why should he get all the credit when I know the truth about who he is and what he's doing?