Looking Good!

So I'm finally getting myself back on track.  I've lost the weight I gained from the stress of this situation.  I'm working through everything I need to.  The writing helps me get my emotions and feelings down without being afraid of judgement.

When I met Mr. Big last night, I had on a dress that fit me perfectly.  He almost lost it in his pants at the sight of me!

He said he barely recognized me and couldn't stop staring and making comments about how fantastic I looked.

And yes, that was the exact reaction I wanted.  It felt good to see him react that way! 

More Sweet Kisses

Yes, we kissed several times.  Well, more than several times...what would you consider five?

In his mind, I think he considers cheating to be a purely sexual act, and doesn't think that having an emotional relationship with someone counts...

And that is still my biggest problem with this entire situation.  I don't want to be someone's mistress.  But I am.  I am Mr. Big's mistress.  Regardless of how ridiculous his marriage is, he is still married and we're having very intimate, personal conversations, every day, and when we spend time together, our hello's, our good-bye's and little moments in between include kisses. 

I'm in so far over my head at this point, I don't know what to do. 

Another Mr. Big Visit

Mr. Big came into town again. 

It's so strange.  Once again, I think we've both realized that the chemistry we share is undeniable. 

We were having dinner and in the middle of our conversation, he interrupted me and said that he was so happy and that he was having such a good time and that for the first time in a long time, he's felt at ease. 

And he was absolutely correct.  It was easy.  Effortless.  We get along so well when all of the bullshit isn't involved.

So how do I handle this now?

I HATE Abbi Y@P

I hate Abbi.  She is such a disgusting person and to think that she has Mr. Big by the balls for the next 18 years enrages me.

I want to destroy her.  I want the world to know what a disgusting waste of space she is.  She is a manipulative, lying cunt. 

I want to hurt her, the same way I've been hurt.   

It's pretty pathetic to know that she has absolutely no clue what her husband is doing behind her back.  But I suppose she deserves it after everything she's done.

Oh how I can't wait for karma to catch up.  Watch out Abbi.  Karma is a bitch.

The Foreseeable Future

A few months ago, Mr. Big said that he was going to stay in his marriage "for the foreseeable future".  At the time I didn't know it, but this reaction was because of his son.  He's also said that he "can't let his son come from a broken home". 

Which says to me that the only reason he is still there is because Abbi got pregnant on purpose and gave him no choice.

Well now that his son is here, and Mr. Big can no longer be the asshole that left his pregnant wife, don't we deserve the opportunity to figure out everything between us? 

Does it make me a horrible, homewrecker if I want to make sense of everything that's here or do I have that right?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...but when do I deserve the chance to be happy?  I stepped back and allowed him to be the "good guy", but he wants to figure this out too...so why is that so wrong?

One Last Okay!

I suppose I should probably wait to get excited about London.  Although I won't lie...I've already been looking at places! 

My boss has to get one last approval and unfortunately, that might be the most difficult approval to get.  Although he seems very positive about it all.

Fingers crossed for me world!

Signs...Do They Exist?

It's truly amazing how life takes over sometimes.  A friend of mine said that maybe London is a sign.  I've been waivering for a long time about buying a place but I've had a difficult time making the commitment. 

Her words were, maybe you haven't purchased a place because life has something else in store for you.  Maybe your hesitations were life telling you that there is something bigger and better waiting for you around the corner.

Could this be my sign?

Job Offer in London

I was offered a new job within my company.  The job offer is in London.  Which is scary and fantastic all at the same time.

I mean, to pass up an opportunity like this is insane, but then a very small voice keeps asking me what will happen to Mr. Big and I?

Maybe it's a true test...if I leave and he stays, maybe that will be the wake up call he needs and a true testament to who I am in his life.

And if I go and he doesn't come after me, well at least that will be an end to all of this, right?

Single girl in London?  Can it be me?

Questions With No Answers

So what happens now?

I keep asking myself this question.  Am I a terrible person for staying?  Do I pick up and go?  Do I expose him to the world?  Do I risk Abbi taking his son from him?

So many questions and no answers. 

Gifts for Mr. Big's Son and Hopefully an Argument

So the devious side of me had an idea...

In our brief discussion about moving forward, I told Mr. Big that I was going to become an active person in his life and that I was no longer going to be tucked away in a corner.

To show him how serious I am, I sent a couple gifts to his home.  Addressed to him and his son.  Abbi not included.

And on the gift notes, I wrote inside jokes, shared between Mr. Big and I.  My hope is that she sees the notes, asks who they're from, realizes that he's lying and it sparks an argument or two.  And at the end, I addressed them as "Love You".

Abbi doesn't realize that I got game too.

Mr. Big's Son is Improving

Mr. Big has been sending me updates and calling me about his son.  He's breathing on his own and he went to the bathroom on his own for the first time yesterday.

Funny how an infant pooping can make a grown man cry!

I feel like such a disgusting person because these moments should be shared between a happy couple, but Mr. Big is sharing them with me.  And obviously, I'm not stupid.  I'm aware of the fact that Abbi is there at the hospital, but if Mr. Big didn't care about me, would he even be talking to me?  Would it have been important for him to contact me hours after his son was born?  Would he be calling me and sending emails if he didn't want me in his life?

It's just so strange, because I want to share these moments with Mr. Big.

And I can't.  But yet, somehow, I am...

Fighting Fire with Fire

It makes me SO angry that people like Abbi get what they want in life.  Not because they work hard or because they are good people and deserve it.  Because they manipulate and take advantage of people.

I love Mr. Big.  The chemistry we share, the connection we share, it's undeniable. 

And knowing that she was at risk of losing him, she got pregnant.  I think everyone knows that had she not, he wouldn't have stayed and things would be drastically different between he and I.

But how is it fair that I am left sitting here and now she has him for the next 18 years?

Do I need to become just as manipulative and awful in order to get what I want?

Being the Bigger Person

Am I being the bigger/better person if I try to push all of my hurt and anger aside because there is a child involved now? 

Mr. Big contacted me not long after his son was born and asked if we could essentially start over, wipe the slate clean and take the time to now figure all of this out.

And I realized that last fall, he didn't have much of a choice.  Abbi got pregnant on purpose so he wouldn't leave, and Mr. Big, trying to change and be a good guy stayed, because he had no other choice.  Obviously he wants to be a dad to his son, but she gave him no choice. 

In order to do what he thought was right, he pushed me aside.  Well, he stayed, but pushed me away at the same time.  And that's when things went from bad to rock bottom for us. 

Does he deserve me in his life?

Do I deserve the chance to really sit down and figure out all of this with Mr. Big? 

Mr. Big's Baby is Born

Mr. Big's baby was born last evening.  It has some pretty bad complications.  He has to have a procedure tomorrow to give him the ability to breath better and has to stay in the hospital until further notice.

He asked me to be a part of his life.  He asked if we could put the past in the past and truly move forward.  He said he “understands where I am coming from and the pain that I am in.  But it will never go away unless someone takes a drastic step.  I don’t want you to hurt anymore and I do not want you to either.”

He asked to open a new door.

Am I insane if I stay and try to do this? 

To Seduce or Not Seduce?

I have a thought...would it be awful of me to seduce Mr. Big just to prove a point?

If I sleep with him, then there can be no doubt in his mind that he's cheating on his wife.  So am I a bad person if I initiate a seduction?

Strong Enough

You just don’t understand how all of this makes me feel.  I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to let you do what you have to do right now.  I’m trying to humble myself and take a back seat and be a good person in all of this.

And then to have to see pictures of your pregnant wife?  Do you know what that feels like?  I didn’t ASK for any of this.

Do you know how hard that is?  And to realize the truth behind the entire f*cked up situation?  Do you realize how low that makes me feel. 

I thought we were on the right path.  I thought we were really working through this and moving forward and I was so confident that we were going to turn out okay.

And now it seems like you never really had any intention of ever keeping your promises or figuring any of this out with me. 

It’s a blow that I’m not sure I’m capable of handling.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore.   

Timeline

You were LYING to me.  LYING TO ME the ENTIRE TIME. YOU WERE F*CKING ME and HER at the SAME TIME. 

And what kills me is that I made up my mind.  I was going to be a friend to you.  I was going to support you and push all of my hurt aside for YOU.  FOR ME. FOR US.  I was going to be here for you and I wanted to help you and be here for YOU because I wanted to figure all of this out with you.

THAT IS WHAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

You found out in December.  Which means she got pregnant in Oct/Nov…we were sleeping together in October and you were in my bed HARD AS A ROCK THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING.

I deserve your respect.  And as big of a piece of TRASH as she is, she deserves your respect too.  And CLEARLY you have NONE for either of us. 

What's Changing

What’s changed is that I finally opened my eyes and realized how insignificant I truly am to you.

If you ever really cared about me, you would have been completely honest about who I am in your life and we would have stopped a year ago and really sat down and taken the time to figure all of this out.  But because I’m always the last to know and get sh*t on time and time again by you, you making the time to really do what we need to do was never an option.

People who genuinely care about another person don’t do this.  I forgave you and gave you a second chance because you were so mixed up and in such a bad place and because I thought that deep down you were a good guy who honestly cared about me and wanted me to be a real part of your life. 

And when I found out about this child, 7 months after the fact, I made every effort I could to put it in the past and made up my mind that it was your child that was important.  Supporting you and being here for you and your child…that’s what I wanted to do.  That’s what I was trying to do.  I was trying to be a good person and a good friend and all I ever asked for was a chance to figure out you and I.

But that’s dead now.   

Not Lecturing You

I'm not lecturing you. You weren't and haven't been faithful. Its not a lecture. Tell the whole truth about who I am to anyone in your life and ask them if you're faithful. I'm not lecturing you. Its the simple truth.

I never said I have no interest about your child. In fact I said that I would be here for you and help you and support you and that I would care about your child as much as I care about you.

And when did you ask? When did you ever stop and say, wow, this must suck for you. How are you? Do you have questions? Do you want to talk about all of this? I did. In fact, I have been trying to talk to you for weeks. I have been so persistent about keeping our plans specifically so we could sit down and talk about all of this. I have a million questions. But I can't talk to you. Every time I even try to voice my feelings or talk about anything other than the weather or sports you have gotten so pissy with me and its caused me to freak out. And then all of the bullsh*t starts.

I'm sorry but this isn't easy for me. I have been b*tched slapped how many times now? But b/c I truly believed there was something more here, something good, I stayed and took it and dealt with it, the best way I know how.

But you fail to realize that. You fail to realize that yet again you have pushed me completely aside.

If you care about me, then do something.

Nobody deserves this and I'm not going to just let this pass.  

Respect

I want you to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Treat me with respect and not like an outcast.

Treat me like you actually care about me and do something about it.  

Raging

I don't have words to describe the way I feel right now.

I am furious.  I am hurt.  I am raging with anger. 

I honestly believed him and wanted more than anything to trust him. 

I can't believe that ONCE AGAIN I was the fucking joke.  I am the fucking joke, aren't I?

He is a sick, sick man and I am done.

Am I The Problem?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the real problem here...could I be the reason we aren't moving forward?

Am I the reason things are so tense and awkward and in complete limbo?

Am I expecting too much? 

Should I let Mr. Big go and do his thing for awhile until he realizes the truth?

Love and Hate?

Is it Def Leppard that said "when love and hate collide"?

That's the best way to describe how I feel right now.  I love Mr. Big.  I do.  Deep down, I know what kind of man he is and I know that he is a good guy.  And I know that in his mind, he thinks he's doing the right thing by staying in this failed, ridiculous "marriage" with Abbi.  He doesn't want his child to be the product of a broken home.  I get it.  And deep down, I think I love him for that. 

But the hate is so consuming sometimes.  I have moments where I want to rage.  I want to destroy him.  Hurt him as much as he hurt me.  Tell everyone in his life who he really is and what he's really done. 

So how do you cope?  How do you deal with loving someone so much that in spite of everything they've done, you want to work on this with them and figure all of this out with them, but you also want to destroy them at the same time.

Which emotion is going to win?  

Douche Bags and Non Douche Bags

For all his flaws, at least Mr. Big isn't a complete douche bag...in the douche bag sense that these guys I'm meeting are.

I like arrogant and cocky and athletic so I understand that it's hard to find the right mix of those qualities and that the majority of them are going to be like yesterday's date, however, Mr. Big really is the right mix.

Even though things SUCK right now and we are on the brink of completely walking away from each other, that chemistry and that connection doesn't just disappear.

So what do I do?  I'm learning that I am still closed off even though I'm out there meeting people, but if the people I'm meeting aren't worth more than an hour of my time, why shouldn't I stick around to see if Mr. Big and I can work through this... 

Punishment

I think the world is punishing me for my part in this whole fiasco.

I went on another date yesterday with a guy that seemed somewhat promising...and then he talked about himself the entire time.  Not just talked, but "bragged" about himself. 

What's the adage?  Those who have to talk highly of themselves are lacking in another area...hmmm.  Small weiner anyone?

I heard about how many women want to be dating him and how much money he makes and how important he is at work and how athletic he is.  And he ended our meeting by telling me how serious he is about a commitment and that he expects one almost immediately.

PASS.  Next one please.

What is it with these men out there?  Can I get past a first date please?

YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH BOTH OF US?

So I just found out that Mr. Big was sleeping with me WHILE he got his ugly cunt wife pregnant...She was 8 months pregnant in MAY, which means she got pregnant in October/November and we were still sleeping together. 

I AM GOING TO DESTROY HIM. 

This sick fucking bastard is going DOWN. 

All In?

But what is all in?

For me, all in is saying, I'm going to be here for him, because I care about him.  I'm going to do my best to push the hurt and the past aside and I'm going to be here.  I'm going to make myself available for friendship and I'm going to open myself up to seeing what happens.  I'm going to spend time with him, talk to him and get to know him.  I'm going to keep my word, keep my promises and be a good person to him.

I didn't ask you to meet my parents this weekend.  I didn't ask you to move to here and get married tomorrow. 

I asked you to keep your word.  Keep your promises.  I asked you to initiate conversations and show me you care every now and then.  I asked you to be opened minded and to chill out and to be the Steve I know and love again. 

I'm not and have never asked you for much. 

I came to you and told you that I feel like I don't matter because of X, Y and Z.  And instead of listening to me and talking to me, you got angry with me.  And you know that if you came to me and said what I'm saying to you right now, I'd be doing whatever I can to make sure you don't feel that way.  But instead, you put me down and make me feel like dirt. 

I'm not asking you to change the way you feel tomorrow.  I'm asking you to be open minded and to chill out and to just let this happen.

Our Next Date

I brought up the date Mr. Big and I were planning. 

I've mentioned it twice now.  The first time I said that I'd like to start looking at flights and the second time I brought up two locations we can meet so we can do one of the things we were talking about doing.

Still haven't heard from him. 

This is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about.  Because I got pissed he now has an excuse to act like an asshole.

Seriously, WHAT am I doing? 

Hurting Mr. Big

I'm in such an ugly place right now. 

For someone I supposedly love and care about, all I want to do is hurt him. 

I want everyone to know what a liar he is.  I want everyone to know that he isn't being faithful and that he's playing EVERYONE right now.

And I can't figure out if this is just my own hurt and I want revenge or if maybe I'm finally starting to get over him and all of this and I don't care what his perception of me is.   

I know that if I tell the truth, he will no longer be a part of my life.  But I keep asking myself if I really care...

I need to be honest

I can't shake this feeling that I have to tell Abbi the truth about this entire situation.

Honestly, it's consuming my thoughts.

As guilty as she is, I honestly don't believe that she deserves all of this.  Her "husband" is lying to her and cheating on her.  And now you throw a baby into this mix.  He said, and I have it in writing, I can't let my kid grow up in a broken home...

Well you know what asshole, maybe you should have been honest with everyone and not let your manipulative wife "accidentally" get pregnant. 

She's just as guilty as he is.  I know this.  But shouldn't the truth come out?

Back to Square One

I'm so frustrated right now.  I honestly do not know what to do. 

Mr. Big has this very bad habit.  When things start to get a little uncomfortable, i.e. he and I start to get closer, he freaks out and begins to act like an asshole.

After his last visit, things seemed to be heading in the right direction.  We left in what seemed to be a good place, with our next date in the works.  We had a fantastic conversation and seemed to be on the same page.

And then typical to form, he started to freak out and act like a jerk.  Which in turns causes me to freak out and get angry with him, which then allows him to flip things around on me and we're back to square one.

Which is where we are right now. 

Letter to Abbi

I wrote her a letter...

Hi Abbi,

You don't know me personally, and I'm sure this letter is very unexpected.

The truth is, I've been trying to figure out what's the right thing to do in this situation.

I'm not who Mr. Big told you I am. He has been and still is being unfaithful to you.  From the minute you met him, I've been a part of his life. 

We've been in a physical relationship with each other for many years, and this goes beyond a few "drunk hook-up's", like he said.

I don't want to get into details because this isn't the appropriate time or place, but if you'd like to have a real conversation with me, I'd be willing to speak to you.

I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I've already caused and I'm sorry its taken me this long to be honest.  I don't want to lose him, but this situation is weighing very heavily on me, and I know, that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know the truth.

Again, I'm so very sorry and I wish things weren't this way.

Now the million dollar question...do I send it?

Up All Night

I was up all night thinking about the situation.  Honestly, I think I have to say something to Abbi.

Does that make me selfish?  As much as I love Mr. Big, I don't agree with what he's doing.

And yes, I know, I'm making the decision too.  I'm not being forced to stay.  I could be the bigger person and I could walk away until he gets a divorce...but even if I leave, he will never be honest with her.

And doesn't she deserve the truth?

An Email to Mr. Big

I realized something about myself last night...I'm very judgemental.  Especially towards Mr. Big.

I sent him the following email last night.

When I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to sort through my feelings, I have a tendency to write. Its easier for me to put things down on paper, no matter what the thoughts and feelings are.

I shared with you my blog a few weeks ago and I was writing in it today and realized something I'm not proud of. 

I am insanely judgmental and can be very hurtful and lash out without thinking how my words can hurt you.  And I'm sorry for that.

I am desperate for this to change.  Your actions and the choices that you've made directly affect me and sometimes I'm not sure you realize and understand how and why they affect me.  Why I am hurt by them and why this is so hard for me.

I am trusting you with my heart. Whether you want it or not, you have it right now. And one of the reasons I lash out is b/c it really hurts that you are choosing to keep someone in your life who plain and simply doesn't and has never had your best interest at heart, over me. And regardless of whether or not you believe it, I have always had your best interest at heart. I have always thought about you and supported you and stood by you and it feels like a giant kick in the teeth to know that you'd rather lay in that bed then just stop and make sense of all of this with me.

And I'm sorry that I say the things I do about that person. I know it makes you uncomfortable when I speak the way that I do and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry.  Calling names and lashing out doesn't solve anything.  Hatred is an ugly emotion and I'm sorry that I've let it get out of control.

I know that you are just trying to be a good person. But sometimes I wonder to what extent do I have to be pushed away and how many times do I have to be dead last before this changes.

Haven't I been through the ringer? Haven't I been through enough? And don't I deserve the incredible man that I know you are in my life?

I don't ever want to fight again. At least not about this. For me, actions mean everything at this point. And talking to each other, spending time with each other, hanging out and getting to know one another is the only way this is going to change and grow.

And I'm desperate for that change and growth.  I cannot and will not be this person in your life anymore.

I hate the way I speak to you and I hate the anger I have. I hate that we are still in the same place. I hate that you don't trust me and that I make you feel the way you do.  My actions and temper are embarrassing. And I'm sorry. I never intended for this to happen and never wanted to be this person in your life.

I am so insecure in this situation because I feel like I don't belong and because I feel like you'd rather be with everyone other than me. 

And I'm sorry.  

I Am Your Mistress

But there is something else here Mr. Big.  Like it or not, I am your mistress.  You can call it whatever you want and justify it any way you want, but you aren’t being faithful.  Happily married men, who are in strong, good, healthy relationships don’t have a me on the side.  Plain and simple.  So call me what I am.  Your mistress.  You constantly try to force me into this box and the simple fact is, if you had been honest about who I am from the get go and not modified the truth to make yourself look like a better person, this would be a lot easier.  But you didn’t.  You chose to play down who I really am in your life and not be completely honest about who I am in your life and because of that, this is what it is.

For some reason, he doesn't understand this. 

Does Abbi deserve the truth?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Part of me thinks it would all be so much easier if I just told lovely little Abbi the truth and told her what he's doing behind her back and the other part of me knows she doesn't deserve that respect.

I'm really not a bad person and I don't wish this on anyone.  During our argument, Mr. Big asked if I would take all of this back.  And my response was no, I wouldn't.  Because at the end of the day, I'm learning so much about myself and what I need from all of this.

When he left here a few weeks ago, I thought we were on the same page.  Hang out, whatever happens, happens.  Life will allow us to become friends, we will become greater lovers or our road will end.

Pretty simple.

But yet, getting there is a very hard thing to do. 

And I don't know if I owe it to Abbi to tell her the truth or if the bitch is getting everything she deserves.

Stop Cheating on your Wife

So yes, as you have probably come to realize, I don't always have a filter and tend to say what I want without necessarily thinking...

I lost my shit.  I yelled at him and told him to just call me what I am, which is a mistress and that he needs to stop cheating on his wife.  He told me that I am constantly judging him...my response:

"You know, my immediate reaction was, I’m not judging your life.  But you’re right.  I am.  What you’re doing is SO HURTFUL to me.  The fact that you CHOSE to stay with someone who doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, LIED TO YOU, MANIPULATED YOU, CHEATED ON YOU, and FORCED YOU TO MARRY HER, over stepping back and really stopping to figure this out with me, HURTS more than you will ever really know.  She’s a LYING SACK OF SH*T WHORE and now once again, you push me to the back seat so you can have a baby with this c*nt???????????????????????  So yes, I’m judging you because you know you don’t love her and you know that what you’re doing is wrong, but yet, you’re choosing her.  And OUR “RELATIONSHIP” is SUFFERING SEVERELY from it."

Maybe I am judging...does that make me a terrible person?  And why is it okay that he can justify all of this any way he sees fit, but as soon as I have an opinion, albeit, a loud, possibly rude one, I am the one who's a bitch?  Is it because he doesn't want to own up to the truth?

Our date

Our argument started off with me being annoyed more than anything. 

When he was here last, we talked about our next date/outing and started to put a few plans in motion.

Now he's trying to skirt out of them...and while he swears he is keeping our plans and that isn't what he's doing, he's now trying to tie these plans into a work trip...which PISSES me off.

I told him, this is supposed to be about us...not work.  This is about you and I, hanging out, spending time together and getting to know one another. 

And he doesn't get it. 

Another Argument

Mr. Big and I got into another argument today.  He has these habits that frustrate me sometimes...he travels a lot for work...I mean, every week he's on the road.  He was in Brazil last week, he's in London right now and he says that when he gets home, he likes to chill out, be by himself and decompress.  Which I understand and have no problems with. 

But he and I will start a conversation and then because he'll have to get on a plane, we won't finish it.  And if it's a Friday, he tends to not finish things until Monday.

And when he was here a few weeks ago, I told him that I don't appreciate it and that while I'm not asking him to spend 4 hours on the phone with me every day, responding to an email or text message or continuing our conversation is something I like to do.  I told him I feel like I'm a Monday - Friday 9 AM - 5 PM girl and that it bothers me.

He said that he would make a conscious effort to remember that and would continue our conversations.  It happened the weekend he left...and hasn't happened since.  And I don't like it.  

The Guy Won't Leave Me Alone

Alright, so seriously, the guy from the other night won't stop emailing me...maybe he's not gay, but I like men.  I like big, tall, strong, beefy men who can toss me around and overpower me.

And this guy was an inch taller than me and weighed probably 25 pounds less than me, and I'm not a big girl.

I'm not sure how to be gentle and not a complete bitch and tell him I'm not interested.

Date with a New Guy

So I went on a date with a guy that I'm pretty sure is still in the closet.  A friend of mine wanted me to meet him and I was under the impression that he was at least close to my age and he looked like he was in his mid 40's...and I'd bet a good deal of money that he doesn't really like girls.

Seriously, FML. 

I'm in love with a married man who has a manipulative c*nt wife who got pregnant on purpose and now he feels like he can't leave because he doesn't want to risk losing his child.

Oh, and the guys I'm going on dates with are gay.

Seriously, FML.

What to do about Abbi?

All in all, I feel good.  Dare I say, confident?  Excited?

We made it to a place we've never been before.  Maybe there is hope and maybe the future can be promising.

I guess my one real question now is what to do about Abbi? 

Zero to Warp Speed

He asked me to take things slow...one step at a time.

He pointed out, and I do agree, then I tend to move at warp speed.  We're in this place...and regardless of the years we've known each other, this place is brand new.  It's different, it could be fun...it's interesting. 

But you can't expect everything to just change overnight.  We have to take the time and make the time to get to know one another.

And I do agree.  I know he's right.

But my fear is that we've already spent a lot of years making mistake after mistake after mistake...how much longer is this going to take?  

My Feelings...His Feelings

He said that if he starts to feel something, he wants to be able to talk to his wife and tell her and be upfront and honest instead of hiding it and lying.

Which, on paper, sounds like a noble thing to do, but the fact is, what we're doing is already cheating and lying and not being faithful. 

I'm just so confused. 

Because I can't predict the future.  Maybe in a few weeks, I won't have feelings.  Maybe the attraction will dwindle.  Maybe I'll meet someone completely wonderful and fantastic. 

But by saying something like this, does he anticipate having feelings?  We've already established that there are feelings here...on both sides.  So how does this make sense? 

Sex

Mr. Big promised that he would be open and honest with me throughout this process...and he asked the same of me.

He said he doesn't want to be the man he use to be and that he doesn't want to do something physical just because.  He's terrified of going back to his old self.

But my problem is, in a normal situation, if we felt like being intimate, we would be.  If we felt like sitting on a couch and watching tv, we would.  If we felt like going for a walk or talking on the phone, we would.

So am I being shafted and am I losing out on what should be a normal "dating" experience?

I know the sex is already there.  So is it worth it to be patient and let things fall into place or do I push for the physical because I'm horny?

Swirling

And obviously he and I have no clue what's going to happen here.  I told him, I am completely open to whatever because neither of us have any idea what the world has in store for us.

I could walk outside and get hit by a bus for christsake.  Or Jesus H Christ as Mr. Big would say!

I see this going one of three ways.  Mr. Big and I become friends, we become even greater lovers and have a fantastic relationship or our road ends.  And I told him, I am okay with any of those scenarios if we take the time to figure this out.  I can't predict the future and neither can he.

But the question still swirling in my head is, does this make me a bad person if I stay and do this? 

Who Deserves What?

And what bothers me about this idea that he and I can hang out and figure things out and begin to work on what we need to work on is that, he is still married.

I told him, I believe in karma, 100%.  And what kind of person am I being if I sit back and allow this to happen?  Am I being a disgusting, selfish person if I stay and work through this with you?  Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

As guilty as Abbi is and as terrible of a person as she is, she doesn't deserve this.  No one does.  Shouldn't he be honest with her and at the very least tell her what he and I are doing? 

Feeling Cheated

I told him, when you and I were supposed to be hanging out and getting to know each other and having fun together, you were completely caught up and being taken down by your addictions.  And because that was consuming your life, we never took the time to really figure out what the heck is here.

Obviously, there is an incredibly intense, emotional sex life, but in any normal situation, two people who are attracted to each other hang out, see what they have in common and see what happens.

But we had a physical relationship and that was it.  And I'm angry with myself because I don't let people walk all over me and I stick up for myself.  But for all these years, I was so afraid of pushing his buttons in the wrong way and I was so scared of losing him, that I became this meek, timid person who let herself become completely miserable because of this man.

Feelings

When we got back to the hotel, we were making plans to go to dinner, and I started to break down.

He said he knew something was wrong and that I wasn't acting like myself.  But he didn't want to bring it up in public and made me sit down and talk to him.

I started the conversation by telling him that I feel cheated.  Throughout the past week, he's been asking me to pinpoint my feelings and aside from anger, hurt, sadness, I'd been having a hard time identifying a good way to describe the way I feel...and finally I came to the conclusion that cheated is the absolute best way to describe it.

Nerves

Things started off a little rocky.  Nervous small talk...and then we actually went and played mini-golf.  Kind of strange, but I think necessary.  We needed to break the ice and we both needed to calm down.

He looked amazing.  Honestly, it doesn't seem fair that I can hate someone so much, love them so much and be attracted to them in such an intense way all at the same time. 

Mini golf was fun.  He kicked my butt.  I am not much of a golfer...although I did have a hole in one!!

Our Meeting

So I did meet Mr. Big.  The night was interesting.

I'm not going to lie...I was scared to death.  As I was going to meet him, I was shaking, nauseous, trying not to break down.

I wanted to be strong.  I wanted to have a civil conversation with him and talk to him about what needed to be talked about and come to a conclusion at the end of it all.

I actually brought my fur coat that he fantasizes about so often.  Maybe to be a jerk, maybe to lighten the mood, I'm not sure.  But he did laugh.

Another Bomb

And I also told him this...

"You don’t get it. 

I LOVE YOU.  Don’t you f*cking get that?  You are someone that I want to be with.  Someone that I care about more than anything."

And after I saw his reaction to that, I was dumbfounded...DUH.  Why else would I have stayed for all these years, putting up with your bullshit?  Because I think this is fun?

Another Email

So I'm not completely sure if this is relevant at all, but I wanted to share an email I sent him when he told me he was going to be a father...

"You want to hear my opinion…HERE WE GO.

I’m glad that ugly manipulative golddigging c*nt finally got what she wanted.

NO WOMAN that ever TRULY cares about someone takes them at their LOWEST point in life and manipulates them and forces them and tricks them into MARRYING them a couple MONTHS after knowing them.  She has been LOOKING FOR A PAYDAY from day one and you f*cking gave it to her.

I have been a GOOD PERSON to you for TWELVE YEARS and have done NOTHING BUT CARE about you and treat you with kindness and respect and have LOVED YOU.  I LOVED YOU.  I wanted YOU to be a part of MY LIFE.

I have FORGIVEN EVERYTHING you've EVER done.

This is a f*cking joke." 

Telling Abbi

A friend of mine wants to tell his wife, Abbi, about what's been really going on between the two of us.  She thinks it's necessary at this point.

And the truth is, part of me really wants her to.  I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  And if someone else sticks up for me, does that make me a bad person?

I believe in karma and I don't want to intentionally hurt someone that I don't know, but I honestly believe she should know about what he's doing.

And clearly he is never going to be honest with her and tell her the truth.

So what am I supposed to do?

Another Visit

Mr. Big is coming into town today...he wants to sit down and talk to show me that he's serious about "fixing" this and that he's sincere when he says he cares about me and wants me in his life.

The truth is, I feel cheated.  I feel cheated because we've been on and off for many years but never had a chance to explore our true feelings for each other because of his addictions, arrests, problems...

And even yesterday, he admitted again that he does have feelings for me, so how am I supposed to just walk away from the one man who I truly click with?  

Fixing This

He told me he wants me in his life and he asked me to stay.  He told me he wants to work on everything and fix this.

And while the logical side of my brain KNOWS he's so full of shit and he's just trying to save face, my heart...my heart desperately wants it to be true.

Stay or Go

I told Mr. Big that I'm in love with him.  In the middle of our argument, it came out.

And the truth is, I do.  The only reason I stayed in this man's life is because I love him.

As AWFUL as he is and in spite of all of the terrible things he's done, I love him.

And how do I just walk away from that?  When you love someone, don't you stand by them through thick and thin?  Do you bail because times are tough?

He DESTROYED me.  I am at my lowest point because of this man.

But yet, I'm debating whether or not I can stay in his life.

My Turn

I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now.  I am walking around numb.

One minute I want to show up at his door and tell everyone in his life exactly who he is and the next I feel bad for him.  I pity him.

This bitch has him by the balls for 18 years now.

And I'm sitting here wondering, how is it that people like Abbi, who manipulate and lie and cheat and force people into doing things they don't want manage to get exactly what they want in life with no consequences and people like me, who genuninely care about people and have been nothing but good to Mr. Big for all these years, how is it that I get completely fucked over?

When is it my turn for something good to happen to me?  When is it my turn?

Payday

Honestly, I can't even begin to wrap my head around how I feel right now. 

The hurt, the pain, the anger.  There aren't words.

And I know it takes two, but she is a golddigging c*nt who has been looking to get pregnant from day one so she can get a bigger paycheck.

I KNOW in my heart that this is it.  And I know that I will never be able to trust him again.  But why am I SO angry at her and why do I want to hurt her more than anything right now?

Please Disappear Abbi W Y

I find it funny that I have so much anger and hatred towards someone I've never met.

But I don't understand how girls like her, who go through life, manipulating and taking advantage of people get what they want.

And I know that eventually her life of complete bullshit will come crashing down, but what infuriates me is that she's still going to walk away with a piece of Mr. Big.

How is that fair?  

Moving Forward

We also talked about how to move forward.  Because at the end of the day, moving forward is the thing that NEEDS to happen here.  I can't allow myself to continue down this path because I will never heal.  And I deserve so much more than this.

While we were talking about this concept of moving forward, I asked him, when you look at all of your male friends who are in happy, healthy, strong marriages, they don't have a me in their life.  So how do you justify all of this?  You are being unfaithful to your wife by keeping me in your life.

And his response was, we (as in he and I) owe this to each other to figure this out.  We obviously have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day but we do have to confront this to see what truly exists.

Meltdown

I lost my mind and had a complete meltdown.

My initial reaction was "awesome.  I can't wait to tell your wife what kind of guy you are".

And then I went nuts.  I told him everything I have been holding in and let him have it.

I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time I was that angry.  I called her every single name I have ever wanted to call her, and what's funny, is that not once did he stop me and tell me to stop talking about his pregnant wife that way.  

Pregnant

So I found out that Mr. Big's bitch wife is pregnant today.  I confronted him and told him how upset I was and unhappy I am about the way things were going.

And of course, his reaction was to get angry with me and yell and scream at me.

And during our conversation today, he asked me if I "wanted to know what was going on in his life".  And my reaction was, yes, knowing full well he was about to drop a bomb...and his response was "I'm going to be a father".

Push

The harder I push, the more he pulls.  And I get it.  I'm not an idiot.  If I stop pushing, he'll stop pulling.

But when you're scared for someone and you want to fix things and you want to make everything better, how do you just walk away?

Scared

I feel him pulling away right now.  And it's scaring the hell out of me.

For years now, whenever we've had a good day, whenever we start to get closer, whenever things start to calm down and go in a positive direction, he freaks out and get scared.  And pulls away.

And I confront him and try to figure out why.  I try to get to the bottom of it and he pulls away more. 

It's been days since I've spoken to him and this doesn't happen.  I'm freaking out because I know what he's capable of doing to himself.  And while I have confidence that he's not off doing drugs or something stupid, the fact that it's been days is making me very scared. 

What is he so scared of?  Why won't he let this be something amazing?

Happiness

I know I deserve happiness and I know I deserve the absolute best.  But when you meet someone that you connect with on that level and the person that is hurting you the most is the one who also makes you the happiest, how do you just give up?

How do you throw away years and years and years and start over?

Patience

And the truth is, I'm scared.  I'm terrified of walking away.

He's not a bad guy.  And I know, I KNOW, he seems like he is one of the worst.  But I know, deep down, he's not.  He's got himself into some really bad things and his life spiraled.  And now he's just trying to fix things and make things right and show his family and close friends that he's changing. 

But how long am I supposed to wait?  He keeps asking me to be patient.  He keeps asking me to give him some time and to be patient.

But after all these years, how do I continue to be patient?  

Walk Away

I think about what I would say to friends if they were in this situation and I would tell them to run as fast as they can.

But it's so different when it's your heart and your emotions.

People like myself and Mr. Big don't stick around for the hell of it.  Not after all these years.  It's not like we met in a bar a few months ago...we're talking double digit years here.

Aside from our family and close friends, we have been the constant in each other's lives. 

How do you walk away from that?  How do you just give up?

Waste of Time

It's so easy for most people...they meet, fall in love, get married and for the lucky ones, live happily ever after.

Where is my happily ever after?  I know that Mr. Big is fully capable of being everything I need and want in a man.  But yet, day after day, year after year, he falters.

Am I wasting my time? 

I'm terrified of walking away, but yet, how much longer can I continue to do this to myself if I stay?

What if time isn't on my side anymore? 

Am I being irresponsible?

Hurdles

I love this man.  And I know everyone thinks I'm crazy and should just say fuck it and walk away, but what people don't realize is how amazing he really is.

Do you have someone in your life that can make you laugh about anything and makes you feel so good about yourself?

He is that person for me.  The chemistry and the connection we share is undeniable and I know that's why he's still here.

But yet, I'm afraid that the hurdles are too high and we're never going to be able to jump over them.

Realization

One thing I did realize during our argument was that he associates me with the bad things in his past.

I was the one who was there when he hit rock bottom and the entire time he was getting to rock bottom.  And while I in no way, shape or form contributed to his drug addiction, alcohol addiction, etc, I was the one that was there the entire time.

And that scares me.  I thought I was a good person in his life and I thought I was doing the right things and trying to help but I'm not sure if he sees it that way.

I'm afraid that he will always see me as the girl that was a part of his life during the reckless times and never truly realize how much I care about him and how desperately I want this to be something amazing and wonderful.

Fed Up

Mr. Big and I got into a little bit of an argument today.  And I'll admit that our arguments have progressed from knock down, drag out fights where we go straight for the jugular to actual conversations.  Sometimes they get a little heated, but they are actual conversations.  We both make points, discuss them, and come to a conclusion.  So there is progress.

One of the things he said to me was that I make him "stressed, anxious, paranoid, angry -

things never even have a chance to settle - because we engage in sh^t like this."

By shit like this, he means, arguments.  I'm at my wits end because I am so ready for something good to happen and for this stupidity to be over.  And he constantly tells me not to hold things in until they explode and to talk to him...but yet, when I talk to him and tell him what's going on and how I'm feeling, this is the response I get.

It's a joke

And I get it...he has to come to the conclusion on his own...which he already has.

He openly admitted that his marriage is a scam or a sham...I can't remember which word he used.

But WHY is the golddigging cunt still around?  Your marriage is a joke.  WHY are you still doing this?

Someone please explain things to me because I do not understand.

Real Text

So I thought I'd share some quotes from Mr. Big in anticipation of his last visit.  Get an understanding of what a truly dedicated husband he is...

"yeah. . .well what I ate at lunch in cambridge was different": Referring to the lunch dates we use to have.  We'd meet up and screw each other silly for an hour several times a week.

"i am picturing you streaking across your apartment naked when I walk in! white and brown flash"

"yours though would start with you cooking in an apron and high heels and nothing else !! LOL"

I asked if he was giving me suggestions...

"No not a suggestion as nice as a view as that would be.  Nicer than the hotel time when I walked in and u had on the losing bet outfit.  U saw how that ended lol"

The losing bet outfit was a pair of stilettos, thigh highs and button down.

Now tell me, is this really someone who is dedicated to his marriage and cares about his wife?

I don't get it...but yet I'm the bad guy for suggesting that his marriage is a joke.

:)

What's a girl gotta do?

Does anyone have some cute single male friends they can send my way!! 

UGH

God, I sound like such a whiny little bitch.  I look at some of these posts and it makes me sick.

He was the biggest asshole on the planet and he destroyed me.  So WHY am I still here?

Why do I not just say fuck him and walk away?

It pisses me off that I am sitting here, wondering and trying to figure out why he did these things.

At the end of the day, I am strong enough to get through this and I deserve someone in my life who loves me and isn't afraid to divorce his ugly, cheating gold digging whore of a wife for fear of what his family and friends would think.

Decisions

And again, I have to keep reminding myself that he didn't DO this to ME.  At least not on purpose.

He was in a very dark place.  He hit rock bottom.  And the decisions he made at rock bottom were bad ones.

But now, as he's coming out of all of this and getting his life back on track, WHY is he still making decisions that are hurting me and directly affecting my life.

I'm trying to date.  I'm trying to meet new people.  I'm trying to be a single woman.  But my heart isn't there.  My heart belongs to him and I don't know how to take it back.

I don't want to take it back.  I just want to be normal.  And I want him in my life.

A Lifetime

It's so frustrating because I found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  And I know how much he cares about me and wants me in his life.

 But WHY does it have to be so complicated?  Why did he do this to me?

Sweet Kisses

I drove him to the airport later that evening so he could catch his flight. 

At the airport, I stepped out of my car and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a big hug.  And then I looked up and he leaned down and kissed me.

And as much as I love his kisses, I turned away.  But then he grabbed me and pulled me back into his embrace and kissed me on the top of my head. 

Which to me, is the ultimate sign of someone caring about you.  I love kisses on the top of the head, forehead, nose.  The little places that show affection. 

And I keep telling myself that it means nothing because I can't focus on that right now...but I'm not crazy, right?

Temptation

So when he was here, we were very playful.  I realized just how much and why I care about him. 

He makes me laugh, for hours on end.  The chemistry is undeniable and it's obvious. 

He did get little um, excited, which for him is very hard to hide.  He has a gift and it's a very large one. 

I behaved myself.  Wore a cute little shirt from his alma mater and a pair of ripped jeans.  No bra of course.  It was chilly and he loves my breasts! 

We touched a lot and goofed around but I'm so cautious about being physical with him.  I'm not a home wrecking whore.  And I suppose I could justify that by saying that the home is and has always been wrecked, but nonetheless, he isn't divorced yet.  And I think he should take some responsibility.  Shouldn't he make the ultimate move?

Why should I be the temptress and risk ticking him off and him blaming it on me?  Shouldn't he be the first to break?

What is cheating?

But how can it be worth it to stay with someone you aren't in love with and don't care about?

I know I said this before, but regardless of whether or not he and I are sleeping together, he's still cheating.

I think most women would agree that an emotional relationship is just as much cheating and probably a worse form of cheating than a physical relationship is.

Do men not understand that?

The amount of time and effort and the emotions that he puts into communicating with me on a daily basis is a lot.  And while I admit, I don't give him that much credit for it, we're very involved in each other's lives, from a distance.

And I can't stand it anymore.  If I push him, he gets angry because he's not ready, but what he doesn't understand is that he is on the verge of losing me because I have no desire to be this person anymore.  I can't stand being on the outside.  And while he swears that I'm not, the fact that he is still doing what he's doing shows me that I am nothing more than an outsider.

The Visit

So while Mr. Big was at my house, things were, interesting.

While he was on his way here from the airport, he was sending me messages suggesting things he'd like me to be wearing, or not wearing.  The innuendo's were flying and he seemed like his old self.

At one point, before he walked through my door, I asked if he was giving me suggestions or simply trying to be funny and he swore up and down that they weren't suggestions, b/c after all, he is "married".  But I would bet a lot of money that if I had gone through with any of the things he said, he wouldn't have been upset.

So again, my one any only question is WHY stay in a ridiculous fucking marriage that is BAD and TOXIC?  What is he doing?  And WHAT am I doing?

Clearly, he doesn't want to be married and doesn't care about his marriage.

Siting

So I saw Mr. Big the other day.  He came to my home and we had a really great day.  At least I think so.

It's strange, because he looked terrible.  You can see the stress he's carrying and he's lost a ton of weight and it's scary.  I wanted to confront him and I wanted to shake him and tell him what he's doing isn't necessary but I'm still not convinced it's my place.

I'm scared for him.  He works, non stop.  He's traveling every single week.  And I get it.  I wouldn't want to be home and he's trying to avoid the mess he created while still looking like a good guy. 

But at what point is it enough?

Sharing

When we talk about the future, Mr. Big tells me that he wants the two of us to grow close.  That he wants to be able to share everything with me and that he wants us to trust each other.

And while all of that sounds great, isn't that why you marry someone?  So your partner can be your best friend, the person you share everything with and do things with? 

So if he wants that to be our relationship, what is his relationship with his wife? 

This is what I don't understand...and maybe these are just more lines of crap he's throwing my way.  Who knows. 

But honestly, isn't the point of marriage to trust and to share and to have fun and to grow old?  Companionship, friendship, love?  Isn't that marriage?

So if he's being honest and those are the things he wants with me, what is the point of being married?

Motives

Sometimes I wonder what my real motive is in all of this.  Is this therapy for me?  Am I trying to hurt him?  Am I trying to tell the truth without directly having to confront him and be the bad guy?

Sometimes I feel guilty.  Like airing our business is vindictive and hurtful, but then I think, I have every right to sort through my thoughts and feelings and maybe someone out there can give me some good, non-judgemental advice.

Am I a bitch playing the role of the victim?

Feelings

Is it possible, that after all these years and everything that has gone down between Mr. Big and I, that he might not have feelings for me?

He admitted that he does and during our most recent round of arguments, has taken that back.  And while to some extent, I think I can understand why, after all, he IS technically "married", albeit, to a golddigging bitch who doesn't care about him, and if he continued to admit his feelings it would cause more of a problem for him, but is it possible that someone could be that heartless and that awful of a person that they spent years and years and years with someone and not care about them and not have feeling for them?

Seriously, is it humanly possible, for someone who says he's a good guy and that he cares about me and wants me in his life and was terrified of losing me and was "protecting" me this entire time to not have feelings for me? 

Could he really be a heartless bastard?

Waiting

At this point right now, I waiver, every single day. 

One day I want to destroy him, call Abbi on the phone and tell her the truth, one day I want to wrap him in my arms and promise him that everything will get better and the next day I want to lay in bed and cry because of the hurt and pain that I am still feeling.

I KNOW that things can get better, but I'm frustrated because I don't have the patience to sit around any longer.  I am not getting any younger and I want someone in my life who genuninely cares about me and loves me and is happy and excited that I am a part of his life.

And I'm afraid that if I stay, I will continue to waste year after year after year of my life waiting for Mr. Big to get to that point.

Different

And I know that I am guilty in all of this too.  I have done my fair share of stupid things throughout the years and I haven't always been honest with him.  I was with other guys and I lied and I've said plenty of hurtful things.

But I think that's life.  I think we all have hurt the people we love and have made our fair share of mistakes and have caused our fair share of pain.

But that's life.  The people who care about us and love us and want us in their lives will be here, through thick and thin...

So WHY can't I believe that he cares about me and WHY can't I trust that he has my best interest at heart? 

Regardless of what's happened in the past, he's here now...so WHY can't I relax and chill out and open myself up to the fact that maybe things can be different?

What about me?

The drug abuse and the lying and cheating and stealing went on for many many years. 

And through it all, I stood by Mr. Big.  I took every single punch he threw at me.  I was a rock...albeit, a crumbling rock, but I was a rock and an amazing person to him.

And today, as I sit here and reflect on all of this, I wonder, how can he still be making the choices he's making?

Yes, I understand, that he doesn't want to be a "bad" guy anymore and he made a bed and now he feels he has to lie in it, but what about me? 

I am at the point where, for my own sanity, I NEED to walk away. 

But I truly love this person. 

Life Changes

For the first year and a half to two years, things were great between Mr. Big and I.  We were just living.  He was smitten, I was smitten and I knew I met the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

And then the drugs started.  His attitude and his mood started to change.  Gradually at first, and then blink...another couple years in and BAM, I was in the middle of something that I simply couldn't dig myself out of.

I constantly thought and still think about that man I fell in love with.  How he use to make me feel.  How happy he use to make me.  How amazing he is.

And I always asked, where did he go and why isn't he a part of my life anymore?

I care about this person so much and I know what a tremendous person he is and I couldn't walk away.  The entire time this was going on, I KNEW, something was wrong and I KNEW he was doing something, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I couldn't figure it out.

And as miserable as he made/makes me, I knew he needed/needs someone strong and good in his life. 

I couldn't walk away from someone who I loved this much. 

Moving

I decided I wanted a change in my life and made a fairly significant move and ended up in the same place as Mr. Big. 

We immediately picked up where we left off that previous summer.  It started off as a physical relationship.  I was young, in a brand new city, looking to have a blast.  He, similar to now, was in a bad relationship, afraid to walk away and get out.  And maybe the red flags should have started waving then, but I didn't care.  My life was beginning and I was having fun and I was young and carefree.

Our sex life was unbelievable.  Have you ever had a physical connection with someone where you can never get enough?  We had and will always have the same insatiable appetite for each other.  We tried anything and everything we ever wanted and were never afraid to suggest or try something new.

He said to me a few months ago, that in marriage, sex is always the first thing to go and that you can't sustain a relationship on good sex, and my response was, has it died between the two of us yet?  To this day, it's just as exciting and new and unbelievable as it's always been.

The Beginning

I suppose I should give a little bit of background as to who Mr. Big and I am.

We met years and years ago, I was a college student, he had just graduated college.  We met over the summer, playful flirtation.  The attraction was instant.  He made me laugh.  About the dumbest things...we'd sit and talk for hours over that summer and exchange stories and just laugh.  I'd never met anyone like him before and I'd never fallen so quickly and so hard for someone. 

The chemistry we share and the connection we have erupted that summer and while neither of us had any idea where life was going to take us, I'm sure neither of us anticipated it ending up where it is.