Raging

I don't have words to describe the way I feel right now.

I am furious.  I am hurt.  I am raging with anger. 

I honestly believed him and wanted more than anything to trust him. 

I can't believe that ONCE AGAIN I was the fucking joke.  I am the fucking joke, aren't I?

He is a sick, sick man and I am done.

Am I The Problem?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the real problem here...could I be the reason we aren't moving forward?

Am I the reason things are so tense and awkward and in complete limbo?

Am I expecting too much? 

Should I let Mr. Big go and do his thing for awhile until he realizes the truth?

Love and Hate?

Is it Def Leppard that said "when love and hate collide"?

That's the best way to describe how I feel right now.  I love Mr. Big.  I do.  Deep down, I know what kind of man he is and I know that he is a good guy.  And I know that in his mind, he thinks he's doing the right thing by staying in this failed, ridiculous "marriage" with Abbi.  He doesn't want his child to be the product of a broken home.  I get it.  And deep down, I think I love him for that. 

But the hate is so consuming sometimes.  I have moments where I want to rage.  I want to destroy him.  Hurt him as much as he hurt me.  Tell everyone in his life who he really is and what he's really done. 

So how do you cope?  How do you deal with loving someone so much that in spite of everything they've done, you want to work on this with them and figure all of this out with them, but you also want to destroy them at the same time.

Which emotion is going to win?  

Douche Bags and Non Douche Bags

For all his flaws, at least Mr. Big isn't a complete douche bag...in the douche bag sense that these guys I'm meeting are.

I like arrogant and cocky and athletic so I understand that it's hard to find the right mix of those qualities and that the majority of them are going to be like yesterday's date, however, Mr. Big really is the right mix.

Even though things SUCK right now and we are on the brink of completely walking away from each other, that chemistry and that connection doesn't just disappear.

So what do I do?  I'm learning that I am still closed off even though I'm out there meeting people, but if the people I'm meeting aren't worth more than an hour of my time, why shouldn't I stick around to see if Mr. Big and I can work through this... 

Punishment

I think the world is punishing me for my part in this whole fiasco.

I went on another date yesterday with a guy that seemed somewhat promising...and then he talked about himself the entire time.  Not just talked, but "bragged" about himself. 

What's the adage?  Those who have to talk highly of themselves are lacking in another area...hmmm.  Small weiner anyone?

I heard about how many women want to be dating him and how much money he makes and how important he is at work and how athletic he is.  And he ended our meeting by telling me how serious he is about a commitment and that he expects one almost immediately.

PASS.  Next one please.

What is it with these men out there?  Can I get past a first date please?

YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH BOTH OF US?

So I just found out that Mr. Big was sleeping with me WHILE he got his ugly cunt wife pregnant...She was 8 months pregnant in MAY, which means she got pregnant in October/November and we were still sleeping together. 

I AM GOING TO DESTROY HIM. 

This sick fucking bastard is going DOWN. 

All In?

But what is all in?

For me, all in is saying, I'm going to be here for him, because I care about him.  I'm going to do my best to push the hurt and the past aside and I'm going to be here.  I'm going to make myself available for friendship and I'm going to open myself up to seeing what happens.  I'm going to spend time with him, talk to him and get to know him.  I'm going to keep my word, keep my promises and be a good person to him.

I didn't ask you to meet my parents this weekend.  I didn't ask you to move to here and get married tomorrow. 

I asked you to keep your word.  Keep your promises.  I asked you to initiate conversations and show me you care every now and then.  I asked you to be opened minded and to chill out and to be the Steve I know and love again. 

I'm not and have never asked you for much. 

I came to you and told you that I feel like I don't matter because of X, Y and Z.  And instead of listening to me and talking to me, you got angry with me.  And you know that if you came to me and said what I'm saying to you right now, I'd be doing whatever I can to make sure you don't feel that way.  But instead, you put me down and make me feel like dirt. 

I'm not asking you to change the way you feel tomorrow.  I'm asking you to be open minded and to chill out and to just let this happen.

Our Next Date

I brought up the date Mr. Big and I were planning. 

I've mentioned it twice now.  The first time I said that I'd like to start looking at flights and the second time I brought up two locations we can meet so we can do one of the things we were talking about doing.

Still haven't heard from him. 

This is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about.  Because I got pissed he now has an excuse to act like an asshole.

Seriously, WHAT am I doing? 

Hurting Mr. Big

I'm in such an ugly place right now. 

For someone I supposedly love and care about, all I want to do is hurt him. 

I want everyone to know what a liar he is.  I want everyone to know that he isn't being faithful and that he's playing EVERYONE right now.

And I can't figure out if this is just my own hurt and I want revenge or if maybe I'm finally starting to get over him and all of this and I don't care what his perception of me is.   

I know that if I tell the truth, he will no longer be a part of my life.  But I keep asking myself if I really care...

I need to be honest

I can't shake this feeling that I have to tell Abbi the truth about this entire situation.

Honestly, it's consuming my thoughts.

As guilty as she is, I honestly don't believe that she deserves all of this.  Her "husband" is lying to her and cheating on her.  And now you throw a baby into this mix.  He said, and I have it in writing, I can't let my kid grow up in a broken home...

Well you know what asshole, maybe you should have been honest with everyone and not let your manipulative wife "accidentally" get pregnant. 

She's just as guilty as he is.  I know this.  But shouldn't the truth come out?

Back to Square One

I'm so frustrated right now.  I honestly do not know what to do. 

Mr. Big has this very bad habit.  When things start to get a little uncomfortable, i.e. he and I start to get closer, he freaks out and begins to act like an asshole.

After his last visit, things seemed to be heading in the right direction.  We left in what seemed to be a good place, with our next date in the works.  We had a fantastic conversation and seemed to be on the same page.

And then typical to form, he started to freak out and act like a jerk.  Which in turns causes me to freak out and get angry with him, which then allows him to flip things around on me and we're back to square one.

Which is where we are right now. 

Letter to Abbi

I wrote her a letter...

Hi Abbi,

You don't know me personally, and I'm sure this letter is very unexpected.

The truth is, I've been trying to figure out what's the right thing to do in this situation.

I'm not who Mr. Big told you I am. He has been and still is being unfaithful to you.  From the minute you met him, I've been a part of his life. 

We've been in a physical relationship with each other for many years, and this goes beyond a few "drunk hook-up's", like he said.

I don't want to get into details because this isn't the appropriate time or place, but if you'd like to have a real conversation with me, I'd be willing to speak to you.

I'm sorry for the hurt and pain I've already caused and I'm sorry its taken me this long to be honest.  I don't want to lose him, but this situation is weighing very heavily on me, and I know, that if I were in your shoes, I'd want to know the truth.

Again, I'm so very sorry and I wish things weren't this way.

Now the million dollar question...do I send it?

Up All Night

I was up all night thinking about the situation.  Honestly, I think I have to say something to Abbi.

Does that make me selfish?  As much as I love Mr. Big, I don't agree with what he's doing.

And yes, I know, I'm making the decision too.  I'm not being forced to stay.  I could be the bigger person and I could walk away until he gets a divorce...but even if I leave, he will never be honest with her.

And doesn't she deserve the truth?

An Email to Mr. Big

I realized something about myself last night...I'm very judgemental.  Especially towards Mr. Big.

I sent him the following email last night.

When I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to sort through my feelings, I have a tendency to write. Its easier for me to put things down on paper, no matter what the thoughts and feelings are.

I shared with you my blog a few weeks ago and I was writing in it today and realized something I'm not proud of. 

I am insanely judgmental and can be very hurtful and lash out without thinking how my words can hurt you.  And I'm sorry for that.

I am desperate for this to change.  Your actions and the choices that you've made directly affect me and sometimes I'm not sure you realize and understand how and why they affect me.  Why I am hurt by them and why this is so hard for me.

I am trusting you with my heart. Whether you want it or not, you have it right now. And one of the reasons I lash out is b/c it really hurts that you are choosing to keep someone in your life who plain and simply doesn't and has never had your best interest at heart, over me. And regardless of whether or not you believe it, I have always had your best interest at heart. I have always thought about you and supported you and stood by you and it feels like a giant kick in the teeth to know that you'd rather lay in that bed then just stop and make sense of all of this with me.

And I'm sorry that I say the things I do about that person. I know it makes you uncomfortable when I speak the way that I do and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry.  Calling names and lashing out doesn't solve anything.  Hatred is an ugly emotion and I'm sorry that I've let it get out of control.

I know that you are just trying to be a good person. But sometimes I wonder to what extent do I have to be pushed away and how many times do I have to be dead last before this changes.

Haven't I been through the ringer? Haven't I been through enough? And don't I deserve the incredible man that I know you are in my life?

I don't ever want to fight again. At least not about this. For me, actions mean everything at this point. And talking to each other, spending time with each other, hanging out and getting to know one another is the only way this is going to change and grow.

And I'm desperate for that change and growth.  I cannot and will not be this person in your life anymore.

I hate the way I speak to you and I hate the anger I have. I hate that we are still in the same place. I hate that you don't trust me and that I make you feel the way you do.  My actions and temper are embarrassing. And I'm sorry. I never intended for this to happen and never wanted to be this person in your life.

I am so insecure in this situation because I feel like I don't belong and because I feel like you'd rather be with everyone other than me. 

And I'm sorry.  

I Am Your Mistress

But there is something else here Mr. Big.  Like it or not, I am your mistress.  You can call it whatever you want and justify it any way you want, but you aren’t being faithful.  Happily married men, who are in strong, good, healthy relationships don’t have a me on the side.  Plain and simple.  So call me what I am.  Your mistress.  You constantly try to force me into this box and the simple fact is, if you had been honest about who I am from the get go and not modified the truth to make yourself look like a better person, this would be a lot easier.  But you didn’t.  You chose to play down who I really am in your life and not be completely honest about who I am in your life and because of that, this is what it is.

For some reason, he doesn't understand this. 

Does Abbi deserve the truth?

I just don't know what to do anymore.  Part of me thinks it would all be so much easier if I just told lovely little Abbi the truth and told her what he's doing behind her back and the other part of me knows she doesn't deserve that respect.

I'm really not a bad person and I don't wish this on anyone.  During our argument, Mr. Big asked if I would take all of this back.  And my response was no, I wouldn't.  Because at the end of the day, I'm learning so much about myself and what I need from all of this.

When he left here a few weeks ago, I thought we were on the same page.  Hang out, whatever happens, happens.  Life will allow us to become friends, we will become greater lovers or our road will end.

Pretty simple.

But yet, getting there is a very hard thing to do. 

And I don't know if I owe it to Abbi to tell her the truth or if the bitch is getting everything she deserves.

Stop Cheating on your Wife

So yes, as you have probably come to realize, I don't always have a filter and tend to say what I want without necessarily thinking...

I lost my shit.  I yelled at him and told him to just call me what I am, which is a mistress and that he needs to stop cheating on his wife.  He told me that I am constantly judging him...my response:

"You know, my immediate reaction was, I’m not judging your life.  But you’re right.  I am.  What you’re doing is SO HURTFUL to me.  The fact that you CHOSE to stay with someone who doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, LIED TO YOU, MANIPULATED YOU, CHEATED ON YOU, and FORCED YOU TO MARRY HER, over stepping back and really stopping to figure this out with me, HURTS more than you will ever really know.  She’s a LYING SACK OF SH*T WHORE and now once again, you push me to the back seat so you can have a baby with this c*nt???????????????????????  So yes, I’m judging you because you know you don’t love her and you know that what you’re doing is wrong, but yet, you’re choosing her.  And OUR “RELATIONSHIP” is SUFFERING SEVERELY from it."

Maybe I am judging...does that make me a terrible person?  And why is it okay that he can justify all of this any way he sees fit, but as soon as I have an opinion, albeit, a loud, possibly rude one, I am the one who's a bitch?  Is it because he doesn't want to own up to the truth?

Our date

Our argument started off with me being annoyed more than anything. 

When he was here last, we talked about our next date/outing and started to put a few plans in motion.

Now he's trying to skirt out of them...and while he swears he is keeping our plans and that isn't what he's doing, he's now trying to tie these plans into a work trip...which PISSES me off.

I told him, this is supposed to be about us...not work.  This is about you and I, hanging out, spending time together and getting to know one another. 

And he doesn't get it. 

Another Argument

Mr. Big and I got into another argument today.  He has these habits that frustrate me sometimes...he travels a lot for work...I mean, every week he's on the road.  He was in Brazil last week, he's in London right now and he says that when he gets home, he likes to chill out, be by himself and decompress.  Which I understand and have no problems with. 

But he and I will start a conversation and then because he'll have to get on a plane, we won't finish it.  And if it's a Friday, he tends to not finish things until Monday.

And when he was here a few weeks ago, I told him that I don't appreciate it and that while I'm not asking him to spend 4 hours on the phone with me every day, responding to an email or text message or continuing our conversation is something I like to do.  I told him I feel like I'm a Monday - Friday 9 AM - 5 PM girl and that it bothers me.

He said that he would make a conscious effort to remember that and would continue our conversations.  It happened the weekend he left...and hasn't happened since.  And I don't like it.  

The Guy Won't Leave Me Alone

Alright, so seriously, the guy from the other night won't stop emailing me...maybe he's not gay, but I like men.  I like big, tall, strong, beefy men who can toss me around and overpower me.

And this guy was an inch taller than me and weighed probably 25 pounds less than me, and I'm not a big girl.

I'm not sure how to be gentle and not a complete bitch and tell him I'm not interested.

Date with a New Guy

So I went on a date with a guy that I'm pretty sure is still in the closet.  A friend of mine wanted me to meet him and I was under the impression that he was at least close to my age and he looked like he was in his mid 40's...and I'd bet a good deal of money that he doesn't really like girls.

Seriously, FML. 

I'm in love with a married man who has a manipulative c*nt wife who got pregnant on purpose and now he feels like he can't leave because he doesn't want to risk losing his child.

Oh, and the guys I'm going on dates with are gay.

Seriously, FML.

What to do about Abbi?

All in all, I feel good.  Dare I say, confident?  Excited?

We made it to a place we've never been before.  Maybe there is hope and maybe the future can be promising.

I guess my one real question now is what to do about Abbi? 

Zero to Warp Speed

He asked me to take things slow...one step at a time.

He pointed out, and I do agree, then I tend to move at warp speed.  We're in this place...and regardless of the years we've known each other, this place is brand new.  It's different, it could be fun...it's interesting. 

But you can't expect everything to just change overnight.  We have to take the time and make the time to get to know one another.

And I do agree.  I know he's right.

But my fear is that we've already spent a lot of years making mistake after mistake after mistake...how much longer is this going to take?  

My Feelings...His Feelings

He said that if he starts to feel something, he wants to be able to talk to his wife and tell her and be upfront and honest instead of hiding it and lying.

Which, on paper, sounds like a noble thing to do, but the fact is, what we're doing is already cheating and lying and not being faithful. 

I'm just so confused. 

Because I can't predict the future.  Maybe in a few weeks, I won't have feelings.  Maybe the attraction will dwindle.  Maybe I'll meet someone completely wonderful and fantastic. 

But by saying something like this, does he anticipate having feelings?  We've already established that there are feelings here...on both sides.  So how does this make sense?