More Sweet Kisses

Yes, we kissed several times.  Well, more than several times...what would you consider five?

In his mind, I think he considers cheating to be a purely sexual act, and doesn't think that having an emotional relationship with someone counts...

And that is still my biggest problem with this entire situation.  I don't want to be someone's mistress.  But I am.  I am Mr. Big's mistress.  Regardless of how ridiculous his marriage is, he is still married and we're having very intimate, personal conversations, every day, and when we spend time together, our hello's, our good-bye's and little moments in between include kisses. 

I'm in so far over my head at this point, I don't know what to do. 

Another Mr. Big Visit

Mr. Big came into town again. 

It's so strange.  Once again, I think we've both realized that the chemistry we share is undeniable. 

We were having dinner and in the middle of our conversation, he interrupted me and said that he was so happy and that he was having such a good time and that for the first time in a long time, he's felt at ease. 

And he was absolutely correct.  It was easy.  Effortless.  We get along so well when all of the bullshit isn't involved.

So how do I handle this now?

I HATE Abbi Y@P

I hate Abbi.  She is such a disgusting person and to think that she has Mr. Big by the balls for the next 18 years enrages me.

I want to destroy her.  I want the world to know what a disgusting waste of space she is.  She is a manipulative, lying cunt. 

I want to hurt her, the same way I've been hurt.   

It's pretty pathetic to know that she has absolutely no clue what her husband is doing behind her back.  But I suppose she deserves it after everything she's done.

Oh how I can't wait for karma to catch up.  Watch out Abbi.  Karma is a bitch.

The Foreseeable Future

A few months ago, Mr. Big said that he was going to stay in his marriage "for the foreseeable future".  At the time I didn't know it, but this reaction was because of his son.  He's also said that he "can't let his son come from a broken home". 

Which says to me that the only reason he is still there is because Abbi got pregnant on purpose and gave him no choice.

Well now that his son is here, and Mr. Big can no longer be the asshole that left his pregnant wife, don't we deserve the opportunity to figure out everything between us? 

Does it make me a horrible, homewrecker if I want to make sense of everything that's here or do I have that right?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...but when do I deserve the chance to be happy?  I stepped back and allowed him to be the "good guy", but he wants to figure this out too...so why is that so wrong?

One Last Okay!

I suppose I should probably wait to get excited about London.  Although I won't lie...I've already been looking at places! 

My boss has to get one last approval and unfortunately, that might be the most difficult approval to get.  Although he seems very positive about it all.

Fingers crossed for me world!

Signs...Do They Exist?

It's truly amazing how life takes over sometimes.  A friend of mine said that maybe London is a sign.  I've been waivering for a long time about buying a place but I've had a difficult time making the commitment. 

Her words were, maybe you haven't purchased a place because life has something else in store for you.  Maybe your hesitations were life telling you that there is something bigger and better waiting for you around the corner.

Could this be my sign?

Job Offer in London

I was offered a new job within my company.  The job offer is in London.  Which is scary and fantastic all at the same time.

I mean, to pass up an opportunity like this is insane, but then a very small voice keeps asking me what will happen to Mr. Big and I?

Maybe it's a true test...if I leave and he stays, maybe that will be the wake up call he needs and a true testament to who I am in his life.

And if I go and he doesn't come after me, well at least that will be an end to all of this, right?

Single girl in London?  Can it be me?

Questions With No Answers

So what happens now?

I keep asking myself this question.  Am I a terrible person for staying?  Do I pick up and go?  Do I expose him to the world?  Do I risk Abbi taking his son from him?

So many questions and no answers. 

Gifts for Mr. Big's Son and Hopefully an Argument

So the devious side of me had an idea...

In our brief discussion about moving forward, I told Mr. Big that I was going to become an active person in his life and that I was no longer going to be tucked away in a corner.

To show him how serious I am, I sent a couple gifts to his home.  Addressed to him and his son.  Abbi not included.

And on the gift notes, I wrote inside jokes, shared between Mr. Big and I.  My hope is that she sees the notes, asks who they're from, realizes that he's lying and it sparks an argument or two.  And at the end, I addressed them as "Love You".

Abbi doesn't realize that I got game too.

Mr. Big's Son is Improving

Mr. Big has been sending me updates and calling me about his son.  He's breathing on his own and he went to the bathroom on his own for the first time yesterday.

Funny how an infant pooping can make a grown man cry!

I feel like such a disgusting person because these moments should be shared between a happy couple, but Mr. Big is sharing them with me.  And obviously, I'm not stupid.  I'm aware of the fact that Abbi is there at the hospital, but if Mr. Big didn't care about me, would he even be talking to me?  Would it have been important for him to contact me hours after his son was born?  Would he be calling me and sending emails if he didn't want me in his life?

It's just so strange, because I want to share these moments with Mr. Big.

And I can't.  But yet, somehow, I am...

Fighting Fire with Fire

It makes me SO angry that people like Abbi get what they want in life.  Not because they work hard or because they are good people and deserve it.  Because they manipulate and take advantage of people.

I love Mr. Big.  The chemistry we share, the connection we share, it's undeniable. 

And knowing that she was at risk of losing him, she got pregnant.  I think everyone knows that had she not, he wouldn't have stayed and things would be drastically different between he and I.

But how is it fair that I am left sitting here and now she has him for the next 18 years?

Do I need to become just as manipulative and awful in order to get what I want?

Being the Bigger Person

Am I being the bigger/better person if I try to push all of my hurt and anger aside because there is a child involved now? 

Mr. Big contacted me not long after his son was born and asked if we could essentially start over, wipe the slate clean and take the time to now figure all of this out.

And I realized that last fall, he didn't have much of a choice.  Abbi got pregnant on purpose so he wouldn't leave, and Mr. Big, trying to change and be a good guy stayed, because he had no other choice.  Obviously he wants to be a dad to his son, but she gave him no choice. 

In order to do what he thought was right, he pushed me aside.  Well, he stayed, but pushed me away at the same time.  And that's when things went from bad to rock bottom for us. 

Does he deserve me in his life?

Do I deserve the chance to really sit down and figure out all of this with Mr. Big? 

Mr. Big's Baby is Born

Mr. Big's baby was born last evening.  It has some pretty bad complications.  He has to have a procedure tomorrow to give him the ability to breath better and has to stay in the hospital until further notice.

He asked me to be a part of his life.  He asked if we could put the past in the past and truly move forward.  He said he “understands where I am coming from and the pain that I am in.  But it will never go away unless someone takes a drastic step.  I don’t want you to hurt anymore and I do not want you to either.”

He asked to open a new door.

Am I insane if I stay and try to do this? 

To Seduce or Not Seduce?

I have a thought...would it be awful of me to seduce Mr. Big just to prove a point?

If I sleep with him, then there can be no doubt in his mind that he's cheating on his wife.  So am I a bad person if I initiate a seduction?

Strong Enough

You just don’t understand how all of this makes me feel.  I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying to let you do what you have to do right now.  I’m trying to humble myself and take a back seat and be a good person in all of this.

And then to have to see pictures of your pregnant wife?  Do you know what that feels like?  I didn’t ASK for any of this.

Do you know how hard that is?  And to realize the truth behind the entire f*cked up situation?  Do you realize how low that makes me feel. 

I thought we were on the right path.  I thought we were really working through this and moving forward and I was so confident that we were going to turn out okay.

And now it seems like you never really had any intention of ever keeping your promises or figuring any of this out with me. 

It’s a blow that I’m not sure I’m capable of handling.  I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore.   

Timeline

You were LYING to me.  LYING TO ME the ENTIRE TIME. YOU WERE F*CKING ME and HER at the SAME TIME. 

And what kills me is that I made up my mind.  I was going to be a friend to you.  I was going to support you and push all of my hurt aside for YOU.  FOR ME. FOR US.  I was going to be here for you and I wanted to help you and be here for YOU because I wanted to figure all of this out with you.

THAT IS WHAT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

You found out in December.  Which means she got pregnant in Oct/Nov…we were sleeping together in October and you were in my bed HARD AS A ROCK THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING.

I deserve your respect.  And as big of a piece of TRASH as she is, she deserves your respect too.  And CLEARLY you have NONE for either of us. 

What's Changing

What’s changed is that I finally opened my eyes and realized how insignificant I truly am to you.

If you ever really cared about me, you would have been completely honest about who I am in your life and we would have stopped a year ago and really sat down and taken the time to figure all of this out.  But because I’m always the last to know and get sh*t on time and time again by you, you making the time to really do what we need to do was never an option.

People who genuinely care about another person don’t do this.  I forgave you and gave you a second chance because you were so mixed up and in such a bad place and because I thought that deep down you were a good guy who honestly cared about me and wanted me to be a real part of your life. 

And when I found out about this child, 7 months after the fact, I made every effort I could to put it in the past and made up my mind that it was your child that was important.  Supporting you and being here for you and your child…that’s what I wanted to do.  That’s what I was trying to do.  I was trying to be a good person and a good friend and all I ever asked for was a chance to figure out you and I.

But that’s dead now.   

Not Lecturing You

I'm not lecturing you. You weren't and haven't been faithful. Its not a lecture. Tell the whole truth about who I am to anyone in your life and ask them if you're faithful. I'm not lecturing you. Its the simple truth.

I never said I have no interest about your child. In fact I said that I would be here for you and help you and support you and that I would care about your child as much as I care about you.

And when did you ask? When did you ever stop and say, wow, this must suck for you. How are you? Do you have questions? Do you want to talk about all of this? I did. In fact, I have been trying to talk to you for weeks. I have been so persistent about keeping our plans specifically so we could sit down and talk about all of this. I have a million questions. But I can't talk to you. Every time I even try to voice my feelings or talk about anything other than the weather or sports you have gotten so pissy with me and its caused me to freak out. And then all of the bullsh*t starts.

I'm sorry but this isn't easy for me. I have been b*tched slapped how many times now? But b/c I truly believed there was something more here, something good, I stayed and took it and dealt with it, the best way I know how.

But you fail to realize that. You fail to realize that yet again you have pushed me completely aside.

If you care about me, then do something.

Nobody deserves this and I'm not going to just let this pass.  

Respect

I want you to treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Treat me with respect and not like an outcast.

Treat me like you actually care about me and do something about it.