An Email to Mr. Big

I realized something about myself last night...I'm very judgemental.  Especially towards Mr. Big.

I sent him the following email last night.

When I have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to sort through my feelings, I have a tendency to write. Its easier for me to put things down on paper, no matter what the thoughts and feelings are.

I shared with you my blog a few weeks ago and I was writing in it today and realized something I'm not proud of. 

I am insanely judgmental and can be very hurtful and lash out without thinking how my words can hurt you.  And I'm sorry for that.

I am desperate for this to change.  Your actions and the choices that you've made directly affect me and sometimes I'm not sure you realize and understand how and why they affect me.  Why I am hurt by them and why this is so hard for me.

I am trusting you with my heart. Whether you want it or not, you have it right now. And one of the reasons I lash out is b/c it really hurts that you are choosing to keep someone in your life who plain and simply doesn't and has never had your best interest at heart, over me. And regardless of whether or not you believe it, I have always had your best interest at heart. I have always thought about you and supported you and stood by you and it feels like a giant kick in the teeth to know that you'd rather lay in that bed then just stop and make sense of all of this with me.

And I'm sorry that I say the things I do about that person. I know it makes you uncomfortable when I speak the way that I do and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry.  Calling names and lashing out doesn't solve anything.  Hatred is an ugly emotion and I'm sorry that I've let it get out of control.

I know that you are just trying to be a good person. But sometimes I wonder to what extent do I have to be pushed away and how many times do I have to be dead last before this changes.

Haven't I been through the ringer? Haven't I been through enough? And don't I deserve the incredible man that I know you are in my life?

I don't ever want to fight again. At least not about this. For me, actions mean everything at this point. And talking to each other, spending time with each other, hanging out and getting to know one another is the only way this is going to change and grow.

And I'm desperate for that change and growth.  I cannot and will not be this person in your life anymore.

I hate the way I speak to you and I hate the anger I have. I hate that we are still in the same place. I hate that you don't trust me and that I make you feel the way you do.  My actions and temper are embarrassing. And I'm sorry. I never intended for this to happen and never wanted to be this person in your life.

I am so insecure in this situation because I feel like I don't belong and because I feel like you'd rather be with everyone other than me. 

And I'm sorry.